Trying to win a game of limbo at my nephews 5th birthday party by punching him in the face because I got confused by the concept of ‘how low can you go’
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jester’s Tweets
Fireman: (looking at my burning house) yo… that’s fire.
Me: (nodding and agreeing) yep.. it’s lit
My son (on fire): help!
Studio audience: *laughter*
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It’s him!
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Hard to decide which is less flattering, being photoed next to Ghislaine Maxwell or like this
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Imagine a Jackie Chan movie where he just slowly wrestles each henchman to the ground one by one
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Does anyone do karate anymore or does everyone just do the gay roll-around fighting now?
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I’m on my 8th cat because sometimes I come home drunk and squeeze them until they explode
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Just a shittier version of a y2k lynx ad lol. Also where are they getting these ‘pheromones’ huh? It’s probably just a bottle of boiled cum!
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Make you smell super attractive and sweet!
Get it: heza.co/perfume
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Drag him!!!
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My dumbass 9yo took his scooter to an outdoor park without permission this afternoon. He fell on his head and got a bump the size of a goose egg bc he wasn't wearing his helmet.
His punishment is that I'm sharing his stupid decision on social media.
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During sharing time at family dinner last night everyone was super proud of me for going NoFap for 9 days
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Just one more reason why my blow up wife is goated!!
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I know, when you first met she said she "doesn't talk to anyone" and jokingly called herself an "incel" but what's important is that you two are happy
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What the fuck was the point of bird man then?
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If Zuckerberg beat me in a fight then put a picture of his ass in my face on Instagram I’d end it all
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The rise of MMA has spawned schools across the country that allow you to really learn how to fight. In a real way that's tested in a cage. Not in a kung-fu 1980s martial arts culture way
White collar people train this all the time. Even billionaires like Zuck.
But you're not… Show more
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Already lost 3 babies this year… gonna get an earful from the missus when I get home 😅
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Need to get a kangaroo pouch surgically grafted onto my body so I stop leaving my damn baby on the bus!
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If I was on that secret service team I would've broken that cat's neck before it got within a foot of him
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random!
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He’s also handsome and famous
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Everyone is like I don’t get why women are into him. This is it. This is why. twitter.com/_elkue/status/…
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I just don’t think that’s true
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A vasectomy is a trans surgery
If you get one you’re not a man… You’re mentally RETARDED
Re/tard
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iPhone just made me a cute slideshow of the time my home was destroyed in a flood
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Poster looks fine. Who cares.
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And this one is about a guy called uh… Gilbert. And basically he sucks and isn’t funny.
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Yeah it’s about a dog who uhhh… hates tuesdays and loves to eat um… spaghetti.
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Wish I could time travel to the 70s or whenever and pitch the shittiest comic strip of all time and make 50 million dollars
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