jen merritt!!!

@jennifermerr

ex-pre-med, pre-comedic writer, ongoing disappointment | copywriter | if u let me write for ur tv show i’ll kiss u

LA | venmo: jennifermerr
Vrijeme pridruživanja: siječanj 2012.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    15. velj 2019.

    I accidentally bump into a man. He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!” I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

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  2. prije 3 sata

    how is my heart still working

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  3. prije 3 sata

    i used to wake up every day and eat adderall and a caffeine pill only to consume nothing else but iced mochas until 8 pm when i would eat a whole box of pasta and now if i have too much english breakfast tea i get WAY too anxious about, idk, my 401k ? what the fuck is a 401k

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  4. prije 4 sata

    am I a psychopath for using the most aggressive iphone alarm at full volume? is that not normal? how much sleep do y’all get that you can wake up to ᵇᵃʳᵏ ʷᵒᵒᶠ ᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᵈᶦⁿᵍ ᵈᵒⁿᵍ ˢʰᵃᵏᶦʳᵃ ˢʰᵃᵏᶦʳᵃ

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  5. 5. velj

    personally, i think iowa hasn’t released the results because they’ve never been in the news like this before. they just like the attention

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  6. 4. velj

    this is a niche tweet for the people who had myfitnesspal before they implemented the calorie minimum. i see u. you are valid

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  7. 4. velj

    girls who had anorexia in high school b like “a small (5-6 inch) banana has 100 calories”

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  8. 3. velj

    personally, anxiety can best be described as the inability to “get used” to anything. everything I do is new and absolutely terrifying, every single time. like, sure, I turned on the stove right THIS time but what if next time I burn several buildings down, by accident? what then

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  9. 3. velj

    the california winds blew a roof off a local business so the power and wifi are out at the office and we’re all just staring at each other, no idea what to do. drink? like i know it’s 10 am but...should we just start drinking?

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  10. 3. velj

    she sounds just like that kid from the wild thornberrys lmaoo

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  11. 2. velj

    anyway i just got my motorcycle license !!

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  12. 2. velj

    can everyone wish me good luck real quick? it’s important

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  13. 2. velj

    my uber driver tonight gave me the advice, “steal time from your own life.” I don’t know exactly what he means, but I do know he’s right

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  14. 31. sij

    you should get worker’s compensation for every time your job makes you cry

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  15. 31. sij

    I think my brain worms are unionizing. something about wanting “more serotonin” and “better working conditions” ? idk what to tell them

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  16. 30. sij
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  17. 30. sij
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  18. 30. sij

    I show love and affection by sending 13 text messages in a row and in no other way beyond that

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  19. 30. sij

    that feeling of having a messy room and not knowing where to begin when cleaning it? yeah that’s how I feel about, like, my entire life

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  20. 29. sij

    me: i feel sad spotify: heard you were sad! here’s your discover weekly, filled with the saddest songs we could find just to absolutely ruin your fuckin week :)

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  21. 29. sij

    I think the best way to describe my financial status is “poor, but makes exceptions”

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