average joe

@jazz_inmypants

happily married to 110,700 beautiful people :) backup-account:

my name is eli not joe
Vrijeme pridruživanja: srpanj 2018.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    5. sij

    there are children being born whose PARENTS were not alive when Shrek (2001) came out.. Crazy how the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

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  2. how the fuck is it still january

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  3. prije 5 sati

    watching this without sound just looks like a dude having a rough night at open mic

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  4. prije 17 sati

    ok well now I have

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  5. prije 17 sati

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen the word Iowa not next to the word caucus

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  6. prije 20 sati

    no one: Jason Mraz: blapadoopagappaduay🎶

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  7. prije 21 sat

    I’m starting a new political party it’s called No Girls Allowed we will meet in my tree house and read comic books and I will secretly still be in love with Abigail from homeroom and my disloyalty will ultimately be our demise

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  8. prije 22 sata

    i wanna be a doctor that delivers babies in las vegas and tell new parents "what happens in vegas stays in vegas!" so i have to keep their baby forever and when they laugh i keep a straight face until they get worried and then i say just kidding haha i don't want ur ugly baby

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  9. 3. velj

    if J-Lo can come with a cement truck and make me a piece of her driveway that would be fine

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  10. 3. velj

    hi hello i need shakira to hit me over the head with a shovel and then run me over with a tractor please and thank you

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  11. 2. velj

    god I just realized so many super bowl parties are gonna have corona and so many people will make coronavirus jokes my heart goes out to everyone involved

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  12. 2. velj

    me: Am i nice cuz I’m a good person or do i just want people to like me? Does it matter? Does anything matter? other guy in my therapists waiting room: Practicing ur lines? me: Yea, any thoughts him: Honestly? i think the fact ur asking that question shows ur a good person :)

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  13. 31. sij

    [pitching my great idea on shark tank] Me: so it’s a mirror bumper sticker— Lori: I’m in Mark: dude please be my friend Kevin: i think i have feelings for you Me: haha whoa guys slow down one at a time please I’m just one person haha

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  14. 31. sij

    inventing a bumper sticker that’s just a mirror so if your fucking brights are in my eyes they’ll be in your eyes too

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  15. 31. sij

    i don't ever want to grow out of this

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  16. 31. sij

    good morning Alexa please play miley’s Party in the USA and lets get this fucking show on the road

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  17. 30. sij

    [same nurse, different baby] Nurse: did you decide on a name? Beyonce: yes, Sir Nurse: umm ok Beyonce: Nurse: do u wanna tell me what it is? Beyonce: no lol Sir is the name Nuse: oh haha! and what's the last name? Beyonce: the what?

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  18. 30. sij

    [another baby is born] Nurse: let me guess, “South” lol Kanye: what no Nurse: haha k what is it Kanye: Chicago Nurse: ah yes of course

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  19. 30. sij

    This is not me “judging” someone else’s parenting. He named his kid two different directions. Ok yes I’m judging

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  20. 30. sij

    I know I’m 6 years late on this but it hasn’t gotten any less ridiculous

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  21. 30. sij

    [baby is born] Nurse: did you decide on a name? Kanye West: yes, North Nurse: ok and the last name is? Kanye: West Nurse: *placing pen on clipboard* come on man

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