Erin O'Connor

STUNTMAN ON TV: don't try this at home ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

[Pharaoh gazing off into the desert] this place needs more giant fuckin triangles

Whenever I see a suggestion box, I put in, "Get rid of suggestion box."

I didn't realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That's still a very low number of rodeos.

Weirdest part of Wonder Woman is when every guy she beats up can be heard on the floor moaning "Actually..."

My birth control pills currently cost me $0 which makes a lot of sense because that's how much me not having a baby costs everyone else.

Miniature doughnuts are by far the greatest invention since full size doughnuts.

A group of drunk white people is called a 'Sweet Caroline'.

Whole Foods just notified me that I've won a "Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale" which in my case is one kale.

It doesn't matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Documentaries are either "some people make houses out of paper clips" or "why do unspeakable atrocities happen????"

maybe the sock wants to be single you don't know

The homicidal rage I experience when people don't move with a sense of urgency is why I can't live in a small town or practice yoga.

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

[orgy participants line up in two lines to shake hands after the orgy ends] good orgy good orgy good orgy good orgy good orgy good orgy

wouldn't it be cool if happy hour was actually an hour of genuine happiness instead of getting drunk and more sad

Remember when we drank for fun instead of relief? Cheers.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

It's ok, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures. Terrorism should end shortly.