He glanced at me as I sat eating my breakfast, his hair tousled in the careless ways of children who don't know or feel the weight of mirrors. He smiled, a flash, and said, "I'm just bringing these to R's room so he can play with them."
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There's a repeating experience in the life of a parent or caretaker, like a recurring dream, where all bounds of time and space are broken, and you stand in the intersection, helpless. In that second I saw my son as a grown man, and also the baby he had been.
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Hearts break. Fractures are an everyday occurrence. The journey of a child growing up is littered with cracked sidewalks, the same ones we used to hop over, chanting "step on a crack, break your mother's back."
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Something gave within me as he turned and climbed the stairs. My eyes stung and my breath caught. In the silence my husband said, "Can you believe in 4 or 8 years he'll be dating?"
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I'm not ashamed to say I cried into my cereal. I salted my coffee. I didn't care about him dating. I cried over my child with the toys clutched to him, his back retreating. The tether between us lengthened and thinned.
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I don't think most people realize how strong umbilical cords are. How thick, how ropy. My husband didn't know until he had to kneel in our living room and saw at it with a scalpel. It's trite to say that when the physical connection is severed, the metaphysical one takes root,
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but that's what happened. I feared for a long time that I hadn't bonded with my son the way I bonded with my younger son, but I've been proven wrong so many times I ought to be ashamed.
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When I was little I thought I could never lose my mother because there was always a thread of energy connecting us. I'd purposely get lost in the grocery store, then stand in an aisle, eyes closed, feeling through instinct where she was. It brought me unerringly to her.
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I hope that my son can do the same thing, and if he ever needs me for anything he'll be able to turn himself true north and find his way home where I'll be, once again a victim of time, ready to cry into my cereal and give him my heart.
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