isis agora lovecruft

got woken to call from the epilepsy department wanting to know if i’d commit myself to a psych ward for seven days to do video EEG, which i’ve already had multiple times as a kid, for weeks on end, and which was “inconclusive” i literally said FUCK NO and hung up

the video EEG they did as a kid was torture: i was locked in a tiny room, hooked up to an EEG with conductive goop and wires all over me, while they flashed strobelights, sprayed water at me, blasted disturbing noises, and forced me to hyperventilate, in order to induce seizures

not to mention the entire time you’re being videotaped, and that went on FOR WEEKS

the neurology department just called and said if i could be at the hospital in 15 minutes an appointment had cancelled, and the next appointment wasn’t until september, so i rushed in alone, even though the plan was to bring someone with me in case they tried to commit me

i told a friend i’d text him “RSA” if something was starting to go wrong

that neurologist is by far the most useful doctor i’ve ever seen, she said this was unnecessary transphobic bullshit, did some tests, diagnosed me with psychogenic non-epileptic seizures, thanked me for seeing a therapist every week and getting a seizure alert dog on my own

it’s a little weird that there’s an official diagnosis for “your brain says WORLD IS A FUCK and does a little zappy dance to nope the fuck out for a little while” and the only treatment is “avoid world being a fuck, somehow, also get a magic dog”

anyway i get to do takeout EEG at some point so at least i’ll to look like a better serial experiments lain cosplay

still reeling over how much that neurologist understood? her: we often see PNES in highly intelligent people who have something else weird going on with their brains like schizophrenia or one of the dissociative disorders me: heh her: do you have something you want to tell me

me: not if you're not going to let me get surgery? her: you get your surgery me: ok.. i was diagnosed as schizoaffective at 12 her: how did you do in school me: i got a B once—in biology—but then i went to uni at 15 and studied theoretical physics and feminist critical theory

her: yep, and it says you're a cryptographer now.. let me guess, you're ambidextrous? me: uh yeah.. how did you kn— her: anything weird with that? me: my left hand writes backwards, like mirror image her: nice! like da vinci. you have trouble recognising faces? me: yeah? how do—

then she also told me about a colleague neurologist who also has PNES and depersonalisation disorder, is faceblind and ambidextrous, and ALSO WRITES MIRROR IMAGE WITH ONE HAND (wtf i found my people) and that they use it to make symmetric anatomical drawings while lecturing

meanwhile she's explaining a bunch of useful information my stupid glitch brain over here is memeing away like I CAME OUT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND I'M HONESTLY FEELING SO ATTACKED RIGHT NOW and BORN TO FRY WORLD IS A FUCK 410,757,864,530 BRAIN ZAPPY BOIS so that was helpful

anyway they're probably going to give me bottom surgery this thursday so good riddance to a bunch of annoying body parts, may you rot in a biohazard bin somewhere, unless they let me taxidermy you, which would be awesome

can you imagine going to someone's house and they just have bits of their genitals floating in a jar on the bookcase? i, for one, would absolutely swoon

yesterday the anaesthesiologist said i needed an additional letter from either my GP or the cardiologist.. we got the letter from the GP by the afternoon, then he tried to reject the letter because it had my correct name and pronouns and we had to waive a court order in his face

then after that he said he needed BOTH letters. this was at 5pm, the night before i was scheduled to have surgery.

somehow an on call cardiologist was able to see me this morning, and took a third EKG. he started laughing and said the anaesthesiologist has said “some strange things that didn’t make any sense”

so previously, when the anaesthesiologist said i was a “pretty young woman with unexplained seizures” and that i couldn’t have surgery because of it, he took an EKG immediately AFTERWARDS, while i was shaking from rage and on the verge of tears

he apparently then went around with the bad result telling the other doctors that he suspected atrial fibrillation, hypertrophic, and some other mishmash of cardiac conditions, presumedly as yet another way to try to block me from getting surgery?

can’t even imagine how transphobic someone would have to be to be so hell bent on denying someone care, but i guess the answer is, this fucking guy

anyway my heart is fine, the cardiologist was nice and said “i’m not a neurologist but you really are a textbook case of someone with psychogenic non-epileptic seizures”

still laughing about the time after @xychelsea’s surgery when she woke up and this nice nurse came in and said “chelsea told me what you all do!” (the room was full of hackers and cryptographers) us: oh? nurse: yeah! you all rob houses! us: what? noooooooo we break into computers