My Halloween costume this year is Shrek (personality only)
Follow
sweaty five dollars
@iscoff
I am an Online Man full of DIGITAL SUGGESTIONS. getting dumber all the tjme
Entertainment & RecreationJoined April 2007
sweaty five dollars’s Tweets
The two online personality types
1) I’m literally crying because I saw a picture of Shrek where he looked lonely
2) I’m unloading my AK47 at the sun because I remembered vegans exist
2
14
47
[house tour] This is my haunted doll room where I keep all my haunted dolls. As you can see, it’s empty because I’m a big goof who forgot to lock the door
1
7
34
Not coming out of my burning house because the firefighter isn’t aesthetic
1
8
Hungry? Try a handful of almonds! You’re still hungry but you don’t have to hold the almonds anymore
2
56
Little old lady in a movie 10 years ago: Penis, fuck, and shit also
Audience: This is the best comedy will ever get. It’s done. It’s over
1
34
They say walking is good for you but I walked into the tortoise enclosure at the zoo and was mauled immediately
1
2
23
Got out of prison for eating too much ice cream. I didn’t steal it or anything, the entire judicial system just agreed it was way too much ice cream
1
1
23
Bloody man with fire axe crashing through window of diner: DO YOU READ SUTTER CANE?
Me: You got glass in my eggs. You owe me a new big breakfast sir
1
1
23
Please don’t use my own words against me. Use your own lower quality words which hurt me much less
1
7
43
Photography tip: camera angles are important! Try angling the camera so you’re not in front of it
1
8
55
Uh actually I’m legally allowed to use your trampoline because I’m a hobo
2
14
Here’s a picture of me with a bandaid on my arm. Vaccinated? No, I have a human dartboard fetish
2
2
22
Just because I’m a billionaire it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. I worked my way up from nothing by stealing children’s skulls and shooting medicine into the sun
1
13
62
Finally, the one day of the year where people spread misinformation online
1
25
97
Now we can see that Trump put toilet paper on his shoe for traction on the stairs
3
15
I hate it when my sudden presence serves as a jump scare in the mysterious fog that’s covered this remote and isolated town
1
5
34
I know that I set everyone’s houses on fire and said that fires aren’t real and stopped people from putting out the fires but I should have my house fire put out first
2
24
46
Can’t believe the government, the media, medical professionals, and my own eyes are all lying to me about this virus. How far does this definitely real conspiracy go?!
1
4
27
“Do your own research”
Please don’t. You’re terrible at research and your conclusions are stupid. Don’t do your own research. Rely on people who actually know what they’re doing, you bad research idiot
1
32
106
The votes are fake except where they’re not and they should be recounted except where they shouldn’t
1
5
36
These chickens are organic-fed, free range, and drink only spring water. They also get to eat you instead
5
30
Drawing is fun! *starts drawing* Oh wait actually it fucking sucks entirely
1
26
83
My new thing is not understanding references. I’m doing it on purpose and not out of the loop at all
3
35
Just realized I never kept track of my “Take a Penny / Leave a Penny” record. I may be in trouble with the government
1
1
35
If there’s one thing I’ve learned during the pandemic, it’s that I don’t like the taste of most hand sanitizers
2
7
49
When my headphones finish carving a divot in my skull I’m going to fill the divot with Skittles and turn the problem into a solution
2
6
23
I should clarify this is just a joke and I would never mistreat bears this way
1
51
Show this thread
Hate it when you live your whole life and everything is fine and then someone asks you to pick which pictures have a bus in them and you find out you’re a robot
1
11
73