Yesterday my 7-year-old niece told me that she thinks all babies are ugly. Clearly, she's a woman after my own heart. #ProudAuntie
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UrBlogSux
@ihatemommyblogs
Tired of hearing about placentas, cervixes, episiotomies, potty training, and preschool? Get in line. I am, too.
USAJoined July 2009
UrBlogSux’s Tweets
Actually, Words With Friends, I am neither Single nor Christian, but thanks for your matchmaking efforts anyway.
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Let this be a lesson: don't ever mix a gallon of vodka with... another gallon of vodka.
For gods sake! You'd think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.
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Like mother like daughter, I guess! I know you're proud.
Sorry, mom. I forgot yesterday was Mother's Day. Much like that time in '83 you forgot me at Eckerd's after you filled your valium script.
I put my pants on the same as everyone else. Crying because they no longer fit.
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doctors won't perform elective skin grafts, even if you tell them you're using the patches for a mother's day quilt :(
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I did so much cocaine this weekend, my vagina is numb.
I'm ironing my yoga pants and putting a little crease where the camel toe is going to be.
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Is this vicodin gluten free?
Neighbor kid colored on my driveway with chalk and now I'm filing a police report on that fucking delinquent.
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I use Pinterest to identify and categorize all the different types of drugs I have yet to try. Then I just show the photos to my dealer.
Chris Kelly from Kriss Kross has died. Hope he's wearing his halo backwards in heaven.
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Some of you moms tweet WAY too often. Clearly your children don't smear the walls with their own feces often enough. Allow me to teach them.
Target would be a lot more pleasant without all those children screaming and crying in the aisles. Can't they just sell them online instead?
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brb. My boyfriend has a playdate with my clitoris.
Cut the brake lines on the neighbor kid's Power Wheels because what five-year-old needs a Corvette, anyway?
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Overhearing young people's conversations gives me hope that one day I will be dead.
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"Cameron Diaz?"
"No."
"That chick from Alias?"
"No."
"The one married to Coldplay?"
"No."
"Hilary Sw--"
"Up yours. Just arrest me."
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Hey networks, any info on those missing people in TX? Any interest?
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
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14 confirmed dead and 60 still missing in the explosion in West, Texas. Please remember them. Their lives are important as well.
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All the hookers in Boston are giving free BJs to BPD tonight.
She's in on it. Hollywood is in on it. pic.twitter.com/R9iZNHCHMW
RT @prestigeworldwide BOATS AND HOES!
Uncle Ruslan is standing next to the boat and Googling his nephew on his phone so he can show him what a piece of shit he is.
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Looking forward to just being sad about my own shit again.
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Never gonna regret this Uncle Ruslan tattoo.
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I want to play a Grand Theft Auto game where you control Uncle Ruslan, sparing bystanders and hunting down your loser nephews.
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