A.J. Donnelly

I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down but I had to use my arms to get back up so...you know, close enough.

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it is self-defense.

I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.

I used to have functioning brain cells but I traded them in for children.

When I was growing up I never knew what I wanted to be, now that I’m older I know that it’s younger.

It’s the little things in life that count. Like my salary.

Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.

Do you know what’s coming back? Boomerangs.

Who was the first to see a cow and think “I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?”

Some days I amaze myself. Other times I look for my phone while I'm holding it.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck...you're drunk. Ducks don't talk.

I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

You know how we smack your household appliances when they’re malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

Aways give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.

Do birds get mad when other birds poop in the bird bath? “Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There’s a car RIGHT THERE!”