How about a slasher movie with all the tropes but with a clueless killer?
I don't know if I told you but I recently became a camp counselor
it was going super well but there's some kind of crazed serial killer roaming the grounds right now
you got any advice? they're all dead. like, almost everyone
okay first I hate to ask this but are you sure YOU are not the killer?
see yeah I wondered are you covered in blood?
okay, okay, lets see, what else oh I know are you holding a weapon? probably a sharp one?
hang on, let me check is a machete a weapon
in this context, yes but! It could be because you are protecting yourself so last question are you wearing some kind of... creepy mask?
like subjective creepy or objective creepy
generally, the creepiness will be broadly creepy like to a mass audience, so, lets go with objectively
okay so what kind of professions might be considered creepy
like, I dunno, a clown, or a human scarecrow, or a plague doctor from a long time ago ... wait you are wearing a mask aren't you
yeah but I don't know if it's creepy
okay let's take creepy out of the equation what kind of mask are you wearing?
a wooden mask whose empty eyes drink in the light and whose jagged grin suggests it was carved, forced upon it when it didn't laugh
oh see, yeah, yep, that's creepy that's not even a job or anything that's just I mean, you found an evil mask and put it on
all right I can appreciate that but I came for advice not judgment
okay, fair enough hey, so, I Googled all this stuff and it looks a whole lot like you are the killer, so that's a plus for you
all right cool cool so what does one typically do in these situations
well, good news is, you can probably feel free to just kill more people but uhhh there is bad news too
so, generally speaking, like, mooooost of the time, you're gonna get got probably by the last person you choose to kill
oh fuck, you might be right there's like three or four of those guys still running around
right, yeah, so if you kill all of them, the last one you go to kill will totally turn the tables on you but there is more good news
oh, sweet, I was hoping for an upside
upside: you won't just die you'll get to keep coming back with new chances to kill, kill, kill but, yknow, more bad news, too
jeez this is a real emotional rollercoaster what's the bad news?
you're still probably gonna die so, one option is, you just quit now you just like, stop killing and go do some other shit
so okay I agree that SOUNDS really intelligent but I'm kind of in the middle of the woods so...like...what else is there to do?
you could walk away and find a video arcade or maybe a fast food place if you stay in the woods the kids are probably gonna nail you tho
right, the last one will, you said so, like, just between us?
sure go on total cone of silence
like, totally hypothetically not doing it, but you said the LAST one would kill me so like, so long as there's two left, I'm okay, right
I mean, maybe the math sounds legit is the mask demanding you kill them? like, real talk time
not exactly? so, like, I don't do what this thing tells me but I am agreeing with a lot of what it says
so maybe you and the mask just share a hobby that's nice
it's pretty good, actually. you know how when you meet someone and they're not friends YET but you can tell you're gonna be GOOD friends?
oh yeah it's just like, total sympatico! where did you find the mask?
in the woods on a nature hike some crazy desiccated corpse was holding onto it, ringed by salt and bound with crucifixes
sure, I would've picked that up to, just for shits and giggles
like I just wanted to do it for the STORY, you know? just to say I've done it anyway, I put it on and a LOT of people started dying
yep, pretty classic case so, I figure you can kill maybe two more but if you wanna be safe go with like, one
all right yeah, cool but hypothetically, if I killed, like, three, how bad would that be
so here's the crazy thing and, like, get ready because you're going to laugh when you hear this
I killed all three and thought "huh, that's weird, chuck said one of them would kill me" but get this, just listen
this one I THOUGHT I killed way back at the beginning came back at the very end all beat up and bruised and looking for vengeance
anyway this is kind of awkward because I'm trapped under a girder in a boathouse and all this gasoline is seeping in
you are on the way to your inevitable and ineluctable end but! good news, maybe
oh, sweet sweet hey if I log off it's because this broken, flaming lantern on the edge of the table fell off
okay, yeah, so, here's the good news there's always a sequel
so hey, thanks for talking to me about it, it really means a lot I guess I'll see you in...two? three years?
see you when lightning strikes your dread grave, pal