the andy awards. october 3rd, 2019
SOME GREAT NEW DISCOVERIES IN THIS ONE. Plz
these tweets & follow the tweeters. Miss last week's? Link @ the bottom. And what a bottom it is! The Funniest Tweets of the Week, ALPHABETICAL:
it’s always “why you killing them” never what’s killing you?
pic.twitter.com/xlStTteZuN
me: my girlfriend’s a model him: oh yeah what kind? me: papier-mâché
doctor: we’ve had your results back me: what’s it look like doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner
every woman in a 70s moviepic.twitter.com/EFO2OyG0TD
I stay up at night wondering why my family is so disappointed in me and then I’m like “heh oh yah”pic.twitter.com/BiPkUCbRQ2
I went to a Hello Kitty Pop-Up today and there was a place to write down wishes and I found thispic.twitter.com/xKg5NPkmm6
Me at Subway telling them what I want on my sandwichpic.twitter.com/M8DZuJz7ph
guess i need a new job!! :,(pic.twitter.com/iiw9Es0IUc
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Brexiters accidentally winning the referendumpic.twitter.com/kaHxFNnv20
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
no comedy club has all three: - functional bathrooms - good fries - sexual harassment policy
*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
what do flight attendants laugh about so much in their little section at the front of the plane, tell us your secret jokes you flying bastards
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS
it’s always “why you killing them” never what’s killing you?
pic.twitter.com/xlStTteZuN
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar? Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right me: but I love you Brabra
Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket
every woman in a 70s moviepic.twitter.com/EFO2OyG0TD
going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith. Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker. Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Fox News: Liz Warren wants to take money from the rich and give it to the poor! Me: Cool cool. Mark Zuckerberg: Liz Warren is an existential threat to my business! Me: Guys, I already like her ok, you don’t have to sell her this hard.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
me: my girlfriend’s a model him: oh yeah what kind? me: papier-mâché
“a bachelors degree will open new doors for you” the new doors:pic.twitter.com/tIOviI7lLR
*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I stay up at night wondering why my family is so disappointed in me and then I’m like “heh oh yah”pic.twitter.com/BiPkUCbRQ2
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Finally they’re making porn for my tastes.pic.twitter.com/NIKRrfT97y
Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket
“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff
Fox News: Liz Warren wants to take money from the rich and give it to the poor! Me: Cool cool. Mark Zuckerberg: Liz Warren is an existential threat to my business! Me: Guys, I already like her ok, you don’t have to sell her this hard.
going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no
Finally they’re making porn for my tastes.pic.twitter.com/NIKRrfT97y
Guys when they finally encounter a vagina:https://twitter.com/HereComesCunty/status/1174285900974632961 …
“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Twitter is the first place I go to during disasters such as earthquakes and Trump press conferences
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about thispic.twitter.com/4Z5aqAg8DU
*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
[Young Gary Busey sleeping] Tooth Fairy: *into walkie talkie* I need backup
Hey baby are you a software update? Because not now
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS
*sends funny tweet to youngest sis*
sis:
sis:
sis:
sis [4 days later]: lol! btw can i borrow £73 


doctor: we’ve had your results back me: what’s it look like doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible. Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Air conditioning - not a fan
*throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”
me: i have an imaginary gf therapist: u can do better than that me: i know, it's just-- therapist: i was talking to her
Some guys will do anything to try to get some pussypic.twitter.com/IPUTfVn1tY
I'm sorry that I screamed out the names of the entire cast of Barney Miller during sex.
Me at Subway telling them what I want on my sandwichpic.twitter.com/M8DZuJz7ph
Brexiters accidentally winning the referendumpic.twitter.com/kaHxFNnv20
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
no comedy club has all three: - functional bathrooms - good fries - sexual harassment policy
“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Hey baby are you a software update? Because not now
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”pic.twitter.com/ALV9euFH5q
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
me: why are you leaving me Barbar? Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right me: but I love you Brabra
going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket
“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”pic.twitter.com/ALV9euFH5q
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.pic.twitter.com/Maj3DSBwIq
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”pic.twitter.com/ALV9euFH5q
My husband likes to talk after sex which is ironic because i have sex with him mainly so he'll stop talking for a few minutes
thanks so.much Andy fam, you are a shining light on here my wonderful friend, honoured to be included here 







My husband likes to talk after sex which is ironic because i have sex with him mainly so he'll stop talking for a few minutes
Ladies and gents, in my opinion @AndyJokedAgain is a legend of twitter. Incredibly supportive and has helped so many great accounts grow. He's also bloody funny. If you're not following him, sort it out