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the andy awards. october 3rd, 2019

The Contest That No One Can Enter But Anyone Can Win!™️ SOME GREAT NEW DISCOVERIES IN THIS ONE. Plz ❤️ these tweets & follow the tweeters. Miss last week's? Link @ the bottom. And what a bottom it is! The Funniest Tweets of the Week, ALPHABETICAL:

it’s always “why you killing them” never what’s killing you? 😔

47.947 proslijeđenih tweetova 118.406 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

me: my girlfriend’s a model him: oh yeah what kind? me: papier-mâché

10 replies 164 proslijeđena tweeta 783 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

doctor: we’ve had your results back me: what’s it look like doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

14 replies 268 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.400 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

21 reply 136 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.212 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

7 replies 388 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.967 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
1:20

every woman in a 70s movie

1.255 replies 12.334 proslijeđena tweeta 81.340 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:07

I stay up at night wondering why my family is so disappointed in me and then I’m like “heh oh yah”

521 reply 12.968 proslijeđenih tweetova 60.467 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

I went to a Hello Kitty Pop-Up today and there was a place to write down wishes and I found this

15 replies 479 proslijeđenih tweetova 4.257 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:03

Me at Subway telling them what I want on my sandwich

700 replies 52.135 proslijeđenih tweetova 196.232 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
1:40

guess i need a new job!! :,(

157 replies 5.039 proslijeđenih tweetova 25.898 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

6 replies 244 proslijeđena tweeta 1.313 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

48 replies 414 proslijeđenih tweetova 853 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:06

Brexiters accidentally winning the referendum

1.508 replies 53.487 proslijeđenih tweetova 220.561 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

206 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.366 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

37.035 proslijeđenih tweetova 262.029 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

no comedy club has all three: - functional bathrooms - good fries - sexual harassment policy

20 replies 185 proslijeđenih tweetova 3.353 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

18 replies 341 proslijeđeni tweet 964 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

56 replies 189 proslijeđenih tweetova 819 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

what do flight attendants laugh about so much in their little section at the front of the plane, tell us your secret jokes you flying bastards

47 replies 1.000 proslijeđenih tweetova 5.981 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS

55 replies 287 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.596 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

it’s always “why you killing them” never what’s killing you? 😔

47.947 proslijeđenih tweetova 118.406 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

21 reply 136 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.212 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

me: why are you leaving me Barbar? Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right me: but I love you Brabra

60 replies 678 proslijeđenih tweetova 4.163 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket

40 replies 21 proslijeđeni tweet 242 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
1:20

every woman in a 70s movie

1.255 replies 12.334 proslijeđena tweeta 81.340 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

7 replies 388 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.967 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith. Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker. Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

1.136 proslijeđenih tweetova 8.079 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

48 replies 414 proslijeđenih tweetova 853 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Fox News: Liz Warren wants to take money from the rich and give it to the poor! Me: Cool cool. Mark Zuckerberg: Liz Warren is an existential threat to my business! Me: Guys, I already like her ok, you don’t have to sell her this hard.

13.872 proslijeđena tweeta 96.311 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

206 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.366 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

me: my girlfriend’s a model him: oh yeah what kind? me: papier-mâché

10 replies 164 proslijeđena tweeta 783 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
1:06

“a bachelors degree will open new doors for you” the new doors:

310 replies 32.655 proslijeđenih tweetova 72.555 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

18 replies 341 proslijeđeni tweet 964 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:07

I stay up at night wondering why my family is so disappointed in me and then I’m like “heh oh yah”

521 reply 12.968 proslijeđenih tweetova 60.467 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS

55 replies 287 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.596 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

8 replies 274 proslijeđena tweeta 1.253 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

56 replies 189 proslijeđenih tweetova 819 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Finally they’re making porn for my tastes.

5 replies 17 proslijeđenih tweetova 371 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket

40 replies 21 proslijeđeni tweet 242 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff

24.074 proslijeđena tweeta 113.118 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Fox News: Liz Warren wants to take money from the rich and give it to the poor! Me: Cool cool. Mark Zuckerberg: Liz Warren is an existential threat to my business! Me: Guys, I already like her ok, you don’t have to sell her this hard.

13.872 proslijeđena tweeta 96.311 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

7 replies 388 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.967 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined Me: no

8 replies 274 proslijeđena tweeta 1.253 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Finally they’re making porn for my tastes.

5 replies 17 proslijeđenih tweetova 371 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

Guys when they finally encounter a vagina:

97 replies 197 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.580 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff

24.074 proslijeđena tweeta 113.118 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

206 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.366 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Twitter is the first place I go to during disasters such as earthquakes and Trump press conferences

8 replies 18 proslijeđenih tweetova 158 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

21 reply 302 proslijeđena tweeta 627 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

27 replies 1.262 proslijeđena tweeta 6.044 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

77 replies 2.478 proslijeđenih tweetova 8.555 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

18 replies 341 proslijeđeni tweet 964 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

[Young Gary Busey sleeping] Tooth Fairy: *into walkie talkie* I need backup

35 replies 333 proslijeđena tweeta 864 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Hey baby are you a software update? Because not now

19 replies 832 proslijeđena tweeta 3.394 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

7 replies 204 proslijeđena tweeta 521 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS

55 replies 287 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.596 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

*sends funny tweet to youngest sis* sis: sis: sis: sis [4 days later]: lol! btw can i borrow £73 😍😍❤

130 replies 1.765 proslijeđenih tweetova 15.475 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

doctor: we’ve had your results back me: what’s it look like doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

14 replies 268 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.400 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no

6 replies 244 proslijeđena tweeta 1.313 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket

40 replies 21 proslijeđeni tweet 242 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible. Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

219 proslijeđenih tweetova 659 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Air conditioning - not a fan

15 replies 285 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.141 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

*throws bottle with note into ocean *months pass *bottle with note washes up on beach “Your rescue request is very important to us...”

6 replies 135 proslijeđenih tweetova 350 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

me: i have an imaginary gf therapist: u can do better than that me: i know, it's just-- therapist: i was talking to her

25 replies 743 proslijeđena tweeta 3.518 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:45

Some guys will do anything to try to get some pussy

6 replies 33 proslijeđena tweeta 124 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

I'm sorry that I screamed out the names of the entire cast of Barney Miller during sex.

27 replies 68 proslijeđenih tweetova 153 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:03

Me at Subway telling them what I want on my sandwich

700 replies 52.135 proslijeđenih tweetova 196.232 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa
Pokreni
Držite pokazivač iznad teksta da biste omogućili korisnika
0:06

Brexiters accidentally winning the referendum

1.508 replies 53.487 proslijeđenih tweetova 220.561 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

37.035 proslijeđenih tweetova 262.029 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

no comedy club has all three: - functional bathrooms - good fries - sexual harassment policy

20 replies 185 proslijeđenih tweetova 3.353 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff

24.074 proslijeđena tweeta 113.118 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

21 reply 302 proslijeđena tweeta 627 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

27 replies 1.262 proslijeđena tweeta 6.044 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Hey baby are you a software update? Because not now

19 replies 832 proslijeđena tweeta 3.394 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

11 replies 171 proslijeđeni tweet 429 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

7 replies 204 proslijeđena tweeta 521 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

me: why are you leaving me Barbar? Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right me: but I love you Brabra

60 replies 678 proslijeđenih tweetova 4.163 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

going to a rehearsal dinner tonight. theyre gonna be so impressed lmao i am already so good at eating dinner

7 replies 388 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.967 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

206 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.366 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

*first date* her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose me: I like the sound of that her: mmmmm oh do you now. me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

18 replies 341 proslijeđeni tweet 964 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

Grabs it Pulls it Yanks it Moves it side to side Gives it a good slap Wow! That’s really hard. Me: Trying to get the shopping carts apart at a supermarket

40 replies 21 proslijeđeni tweet 242 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

“as per my previous email” - weirdly formal - passive aggressive - might not get a reply “if you’d used your fuckin eyes, Geoff” - shows a passion for biology - informal, first name terms - even better if their name isn’t Geoff

24.074 proslijeđena tweeta 113.118 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you. Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

21 reply 302 proslijeđena tweeta 627 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

27 replies 1.262 proslijeđena tweeta 6.044 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH BEES 1. They are DISRESPECTING our pesticides by refusing to remain alive after consuming the delicious toxins 2. PUBLIC FORNICATION WITH FLOWERS IS OBSCENE 3. Monarchy is an outdated concept. OVERTHROW YOUR QUEEN AND EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, YOU TINY IDIOTS

55 replies 287 proslijeđenih tweetova 1.596 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

11 replies 171 proslijeđeni tweet 429 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

7 replies 204 proslijeđena tweeta 521 korisnik označava da mu se sviđa

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

6 replies 140 proslijeđenih tweetova 489 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

11 replies 171 proslijeđeni tweet 429 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

My husband likes to talk after sex which is ironic because i have sex with him mainly so he'll stop talking for a few minutes

23 proslijeđena tweeta 127 korisnika označava da im se sviđa
Odgovor korisniku/ci

thanks so.much Andy fam, you are a shining light on here my wonderful friend, honoured to be included here 🙏🙏🙏😉✌✌✌✌

2 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa

My husband likes to talk after sex which is ironic because i have sex with him mainly so he'll stop talking for a few minutes

23 proslijeđena tweeta 127 korisnika označava da im se sviđa

Ladies and gents, in my opinion is a legend of twitter. Incredibly supportive and has helped so many great accounts grow. He's also bloody funny. If you're not following him, sort it out

26 proslijeđenih tweetova 62 korisnika označavaju da im se sviđa