"top tweets" allegedly, deemed so by you guys

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don't have money. That makes God super mad.

[in bed] M: Do that thing I like H: NO M: Please? H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

"How are you?" is the worst conversation-starter there is. If I'm ever truly okay, trust me- I'll tell everyone. I'll buy the fucking shirt.

Are we sure the migrants aren't just trying to cut across to Canada? I know that's where I'd be headed.

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

"Are you okay?" "No. Why? Did I seem okay before?"

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

He's not even a conservative. We don't know what he believes. We know nothing about him, except he's impulsive, unpredictable, and unstable.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

[USPS] M: *hands change of address form* C: Ma'am, this just says "bathtub." M: I live there now. C: We can't send mail to a bathtub. M: Yay

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

It's like one minute you're fine, and the next you remember who you are and what's going on.

I tried coconut water for the first time 37 months ago, and I'm still angry.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity. Friend: What do you write? M: Oh, only tweets now.

[in bed] Him: What are you thinking? Me: (blushing) I don't wanna say Him: You can tell me Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now? If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday. I was young. It was a different time.

How To Avoid Dating ●You're too young for me. ●I'm too young for you. ●I don't date men my age. ●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I'm all like, "No." [rises from chair] NO.

"Don't ever do cocaine, son." "Why, mommy? Is it bad for you?" "I was going to say 'expensive,' but yeah, whatever."

If you didn't want Funny Twitter to be infiltrated by Political Twitter, you probably shouldn't have elected such a joke to higher office.

My dad walked out on us when I was four. He returned about an hour later without candy. I still remember.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove Im soapless without you I'll never get clean Now that you are all gone *grabs shampoo mic* IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

I have two nemesis. Nemeses. Nemiseses. Nemisecies [kicks wall] FUCK I have THREE. Three nemesis's.

[in bed] Him: What's your fantasy? M: Equality. Him: (laughs) Okay, but equality's not sexy. M: (sits up quickly) the fuck did you just say

This guy gave me the finger in the Starbucks drive-thru because I beat him in line, so I bought his coffee. Fucked his day right up.

Boy, did I have a day. It lasted many hours and was full of events. Words were uttered. I drove an automobile. You don't even know.

Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: The President is insane. I'm terrified. I just want to get back home. Cop: Makes sense. You are free to go.

Dance like nobody likes you.

If you believe in god, you've clearly never seen a man naked. What a fucking mess that is.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent? This is the last straw. He just lost my vote in 2020.

I'm 35, single. My big plan for the night: drink beer and re-take the Myers Briggs. I'm going to make Extrovert this time, I just know it.

Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.

NSA: We need your data. Me: FUUUUCK you guys. That's PRIVATE. Facebook Zombie Apocalypse Quiz: Hey, we need- Me: [clicks okay]

Twitter: You have 87 notifications Me: Nice Gmail: You have 7 emails Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

JESUS CHRIST CAN'T A WOMAN SIGH LOUDLY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN PEACE

Me, gloomily staring into space: I'm so lonely Me, 30 mins into hanging out with anyone: No offense, but I really need some time alone now

There's a fine line between spending time with family and wishing you had died in a warehouse fire seventeen years ago.

I'm against feminism because of what Jesus said, but I don't know precisely what Jesus said because my husband doesn't like me reading.

Original content is cool, but some people are just extremely good at retweeting. It's an undervalued skill, but I appreciate a good tweet deejay.

When Trump goes to prison, I hope they put him in a closet and force him to watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert 24 hours a day.

It's weird that we "do" drugs, but no one says, "Let's do some beer." You rarely hear, "Man, I was up all night doing chocolate chip cookies."

I propose we change the spelling of restaurant to restraunt. Enough with the charade.

GREAT NEWS: I took a klonipin earlier, and all that stuff we've been worried about is going to be fine. It's not even a big deal.

7pm: think I'll do some reading then turn in early 2am: (drunk eating bbq chicken pizza) let's go to the fucken zoo. what time is it

30s DATING Him: I need to talk to you about something serious M: Me, too. You first Him: I'm incredibly fucked up M: No wait that's my thing

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you've been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

What wine pairs best with not wanting to turn 37

I hate when characters in old movies light a cigarette then haplessly toss it away before it’s finished. How wasteful! I guess life was just that simple and carefree back in the 50s with a 90% top tier tax rate.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won't tell me where I left my laptop charger.

Sometimes, I want to throw my phone in the river, but there is no river here so I just keep playing on my phone. The river will come.

911: What’s your emergency Me: my neighbors are playing music 911: is it too loud Me: well, the thing is 911: ma’am? Me: it’s country music and I can hear it 911: a patrolman is on the way

Tips for a Happier Twitter Experience 1. Avoid Politics and Religion 2. Don’t Read the Comments 3. Don’t Comment 4. Don’t Read Tweets 5. Don’t Tweet 6. Deactivate Your Twitter Account 7. Throw Your Phone in a River