Working on integrating a worry I have: everything is built on a shaky (relatively), susceptible tool- and supply-chain and I feel very foolish when I realize I'm taking things for granted -- also feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop (things to fall apart)
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More seriously, I know intellectually that 1) nothing is guaranteed 2) I, specifically, am *very* privileged to have what I do / be where I am yet brain continues to _insist_ that I'm the verge of losing everything at any moment
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(actually working this out in explicit form for the first time, in public, whoops! need to pin down these thoughts, keep going.) wait. that makes no sense: if it's all on the verge of slipping away, why am I simultaneously acting like it's permanent, yet feeling like it's not?
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Instead of 'live like you'll die tomorrow, plan like you'll live forever", Brain is trying to "live like I'll live forever, plan like you'll die tomorrow" ?? (Not that pithy quotes should guide your life choices, but the inanity of Brain is captured in the juxtaposition here)
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Relatively high verbal intelligence (as opposed to my NEET levels of emotional intelligence lmao) is useful in exploring / defining these feelings, pinning them down Less so in working with them or even dealing. Gonna go do some pull/push-ups, + meditate/lean into the fear and-
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the recklessness that sometimes appears when I'm about to do something viscerally frightening and *do it anyway* There's a certain mental/emotional 'motion' in there that feels salient
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