Lady Dedlock

5-year-old: It's Taco Tuesday! Me: It's Monday. 5: Tacos don't know what day it is.

My three year old asked me if the tooth he just lost "is going to heaven." These are the precious moments that make parenting so worthwhile. I reminded him that he bit me last month and told him his tooth was hell-bound.

My name is Johanna Cohn. In 1939, I sought asylum at the US border and was turned away. I was murdered in Auschwitz.

Child 1: I cough loud. Child 2: I cough louder. Child 1: No you don't. Child 2: Yes I do COUGH COUGH Child 1: NO YOU DON'T COUGH COUGH Child 2: COUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCO- Me: WHY IS THIS A THING?!

My microwave's sensor reheat has the same heating time whether I'm reheating a cup of coffee or cooking a twenty pound frozen turkey.

I swear, you would think my kids would understand by now that they will get very little sympathy from me over their bullshit squabbles while I'm dredging fucking chicken for their dinner. Like sorry your life's not perfect, I'm up to my elbows in salmonella. Calm down.

I have a reminder that pops up on my phone every evening and asks me if I have cleaned the cat box yet. Even though I set it up, I would like it to get off my jock.

Offered to take in another dad’s cart at Costco and asked if he left any gas in it. He said half a tank and that it was warmed up for me. That’s all we said, just two dads out here killing it.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams. Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams. Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

rage silence and foot rubs are the pillars upon which my marriage is built

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Me: What happened to your lip? 5-year-old: I forgot. At least she remembered the first rule of Fight Club.

The Internet has greatly overestimated the amount of julienning I want to do.

Last night I had a dream I took a picture of a koala, a baby duck and a person riding a grizzly while we were all evacuating an island but I had to wait until my friend loaded his boogie boards into our escape vehicle that was driven by Jamaicans. Anyway, shout out to NyQuil.

Every day i tutor a white, male child who is one time out away from becoming the Joker

My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we've both been awake since January 14, 2013.

Going out to dinner with a rival dad and his family and I told him he should pick the restaurant since I don’t know where they have good mild boneless wings.