Henry Hockley

You know when you're eating the crumbs off the bed but then you accidently eat a beetle's but or something? That's the worst.

Leonard Cohen is the David Attenborough of music. The Queen is the David Attenborough of politics.

People say Morgan Freeman's voice is so great. Well David Attenborough's got him beat.

If I could have three types of alcohol they would be 1) passion fruit margarita, 2) single malt scotch, 3) hot buttered rum.

They are one trampoline and a hedgehog away from having a perfect house!!!

Do gorillas ever mate with dolphins?

None of my Hot Wheels have rear-view mirrors. Do Hot Wheels not need to see behind them?

Yeah, I think I've heard of Oprah... She's Obama's wife right?

You know the best thing about being a bartender? You probably get to finish everyone's drinks.

Try to think of one thing that ice doesn't go well with. I can only think of hot chocolate.

The most stressful thing about being an adult must be remembering to take the money out of your shorts before you wash them.

'I went to an Ivy League school. I'm very highly educated. I know words, I have the best words.' - Donald J Drumpf #MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain

What if they got me switched in the hospital and I'm not really your kid and some other parents have been taking care of me all this time?

Auuuuggghhhh. I just don't understand it. Why doesn't the whole world just make twist-ties one centimeter longer???

Has that Tesla guy done anything else big? I mean other than the rocket ship and the solar panels and that kind of thing.

You notice how every time you throw at pencil or eraser at some it ALWAYS hits them in the eye?

Six dollars is always the perfect tip. Even if your bill is $100 - just tip six dollars.

Why do people always touch their chins like this when they are rapping? <strokes chin with serious/angry look>

Does Canada have a culture? I guess politeness. Does that count?

Daddy what are phone-ics? (After seeing a headline about phonics).