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hels's profile
your friend Helen
your friend Helen
your friend Helen
Verified account
@hels

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your friend HelenVerified account

@hels

@newyorker food correspondent (not a restaurant critic!) | she/her/hers | hi @ helenlikesyou .com

NYC by way of Chicago
newyorker.com/contributors/h…
Joined July 2008

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    1. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017

      A thought experiment:

      14 replies 53 retweets 136 likes
    2. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      Let's say you're a tacky rich man with a high public profile, in a for-show marriage with your wife who loathes you

      4 replies 25 retweets 106 likes
    3. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      You're a serial adulterer — certainly adultery-*attempter* — and as your star has risen you've felt more and more empowered to make moves

      2 replies 7 retweets 63 likes
    4. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      If your past patterns hold, you mostly sleep with rando E-list socialite wannabes, lesser Real Housewife types & older daughters thereof

      2 replies 6 retweets 62 likes
    5. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      What's enabled these affairs, of course, has been that the nature of your celebrity has allowed you to choose when you are and aren't seen

      2 replies 6 retweets 57 likes
    6. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      What happens, though, when you're suddenly thrust into a massively larger stage, under an infinitely brighter spotlight?

      2 replies 6 retweets 70 likes
    7. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      You used to be able to pay off your sidepieces to keep them quiet, but now, a new one could make a lot more $ talking than shutting up

      2 replies 6 retweets 76 likes
    8. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      Plus you're never alone, you can't trust anyone near you, and whenever you engineer some solitude it becomes a huge story

      1 reply 5 retweets 63 likes
    9. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      Anyway what I'm saying is I bet Donald Trump isn't getting even the tiniest bit laid these days

      13 replies 38 retweets 462 likes
    10. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
      Replying to @hels

      More like the Wank House amirite. Tiny hands joke amirite.

      3 replies 12 retweets 185 likes
      your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017

      Our first incel president. We should be so proud.

      10:02 AM - 25 Feb 2017
      • 14 Retweets
      • 148 Likes
      • village fetish Lord Hisssyfit 🐍 ROU Business Judgement Rule T.S. Wingard A Noodle Purist Sam Dal Monte Lori G 🍂🦃 🥧 Lowkey CFR Andre🌊🌊🌊
      7 replies 14 retweets 148 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          your friend Helen Retweeted Matt Adereth

          Oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiihttps://twitter.com/adereth/status/835551063277088770 …

          your friend Helen added,

          Matt Adereth @adereth
          Replying to @hels
          Just realized how the optics caused by tiny hands could be the source of his massive ego.
          2 replies 8 retweets 150 likes
        3. hey you‏ @Whuthapndhere 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          hahahahaha I hope this was worth whatever list they inevitably put you on for it!! He will be mad about this revelation 😂😂😂😆😆

          1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
        4. Midnight Rambler‏ @mramblr 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @Whuthapndhere @hels

          We'll all laugh and reminisce about it in the gulag 😂

          1 reply 0 retweets 3 likes
        5. hey you‏ @Whuthapndhere 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @mramblr @hels

          I hear there is good air in the south west 🏜🏜🏜

          1 reply 0 retweets 0 likes
        6. Midnight Rambler‏ @mramblr 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @Whuthapndhere @hels

          Maybe we'll just get deported to Mexico. At least the food is good and coke is cheap.

          0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
        7. End of conversation
        1. New conversation
        2. Jeet Heer‏Verified account @HeerJeet 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          Ahem, James Buchanan. Also, Nixon never had sex after 1948.

          2 replies 1 retweet 16 likes
        3. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @HeerJeet

          don't ruin this beautiful thing, man

          2 replies 1 retweet 22 likes
        4. Jeet Heer‏Verified account @HeerJeet 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          Sorry!

          1 reply 1 retweet 6 likes
        5. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @HeerJeet

          I lovingly forgive you

          0 replies 1 retweet 5 likes
        6. End of conversation
        1. New conversation
        2. Alexander Chee‏ @alexanderchee 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          I don't know this term at all. Is it short for intentionally celibate?

          1 reply 0 retweets 1 like
        3. your friend Helen‏Verified account @hels 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @alexanderchee

          *involuntarily*. It's a redpill/MRA coinage — celibate only because evil women unfairly deny them sex

          1 reply 1 retweet 8 likes
        4. 1 more reply
        1. The Shining Trapezohedron‏ @JulianNotaro1 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          Personally my theory is that Trump has never fucked.

          0 replies 0 retweets 3 likes
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        1. Spector Hair Day‏ @SpectorHairDay 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          Of course, under the new scrutiny, he probably can't get the rhino horn or whatev he's been taking to get his geriatric weenie hard.

          0 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
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        1. Maria Salinas‏ @mariasalinas 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          had to consult dictionary and one can get coffee mug w word and def. Lolhttps://urbandictionary.store/products/mug?defid=7319613 …

          0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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        1. Rhonda Stewardson‏ @rhondastew 25 Feb 2017
          Replying to @hels

          Except the mind might be willing but the body.... hair loss medications, you know.

          0 replies 0 retweets 1 like
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