Taco Bunn

Hello @Tinder, I love you so so much. Please support @sarahherron's non-profit, #SheLift! #FundHerCause

Sorry to everyone. My stupid account was hacked. The parties responsible have been each sent a box of AOL start-up CDs. And also murdered.

Maybe next weekend. @lifehacker

If I come back in another life, I want it to be as cookie dough on a fat woman's fingers.

My dad was such a joker. Always asking me to pull his finger. But he never farted. In retrospect I realize his finger was his dick.

I have always wondered what Tom Hanks farts smell like.

All set to watch the debate tonight.

There's a man on top of you? RT @KimKardashian How is it that Kourtney & I have the same amount of weight to lose but she just had a baby!

RT @BarackObama 17 months ago, I murdered the leader of al-Qaeda and then buried his lifeless corpse at sea. Happy anniversary, Michelle.

You're gonna like the way you look, my friends. http://bit.ly/tQWl0L 

I really dont like the way that people look at me when I wake them up.

It must be really difficult to be the joke writer for Law & Order Special Victims Unit.

Every time a Kay Jewelers ad plays, an angel puts a cigarette out on a baby

I want to live in a world free of apartide and spell checks

What your parents never tell you: A life full of hard work and discipline is also a life full of regret and masturbating into the sink.

Whenever I see someone tip over 20%, I immediately think they're overcompensating for something.

If you like to pursue waterfalls, you'd be better off sticking to a lake instead. Or a river. Or maybe try some normal outdoor activities.

If i was horribly disfigured, Id become a nudist so people would feel a little more comfortable looking me in the face when I was talking

I don’t worry about monkeys taking over the world. Why? Not enough monkeys. But taking over my favorite sushi joint? This I worry about.

Every time a preview for NBC's 'Whitney' comes on, my soul melts like the face of that bespectacled Nazi from Raiders of the Lost Ark.