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  1. Retweeted
    Jun 8

    future child: hey mom what's a 4loko me: *has post-war flashbacks* haha don't think I've heard of it sorry honey

  2. Retweeted
    Jun 8

    "Not a question I can answer in open settings" is my new go to

  3. Retweeted
    Jun 2
  4. Retweeted
    Jun 4

    Trade Deron Williams for an oxygen tank and strap it on LeBron and we got ourselves a series here

  5. Jun 2

    Do famous people have resumes?

  6. Retweeted
    May 24
  7. May 23

    "In my humble opinion, music was truly invented in 2009 when Owl City released the lyrical masterpiece we affectionately know as Fireflies"

  8. Retweeted
    May 11

    They called two different jimmy johns and merged the calls😂💀

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  9. Retweeted
    May 8

    imagine being a 200 year old shark. 200 years old, not doin shit, swimming the ocean. never been to olive garden

  10. Retweeted
    May 21

    I just feel like there are steps you can probably take before this one

    This Tweet is unavailable.
  11. Retweeted
    Apr 20

    a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

  12. May 16
  13. Retweeted
    May 15

    Jian Yangs official "Not Hotdog" app is out on the App Store, download it and test ur hotdogs

  14. May 13
  15. Retweeted
    May 10

    me: does ANYONE know what to do during the cha cha slide when it says charlie brown?????? professor: i meant questions about the final

  16. Retweeted
    May 7
  17. May 3

    Goodnight to everyone except the girls who reposted that red fucking swimsuit on Instagram today

  18. Retweeted
    30 Aug 2016

    If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I'd pick the dead guy. Then I'd order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He's dead

  19. Retweeted
    Apr 30
  20. Retweeted
    Apr 30

    I like when people ask me to watch their stuff at Starbucks while they pee. I will, but if someone steals it I will watch them do that too.

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