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  1. 6 Aug 2010

    Just got off my train to wait for the next because a 9 mo old child was hitting me with a wet blow pop.

  2. 27 Nov 2010

    The kid at the table next to me is vividly imagining a cartoony death for Miley Cyrus. "I hate her!!"

  3. Jul 13

    I’m going to make a horror movie that is nothing but clips of toddlers waking up at 2 a.m. with bloody noses. Background music will be toys that mysteriously turn on by themselves.

  4. Jun 8

    Yesterday my daughter was playing with her sister at a restaurant...and things got a little...well.... 😳😱

  5. 18 Oct 2017
    Replying to

    My 3yo sister used to have sleep walking night terrors when I was BbSitting.

    2 likes
  6. 9 Jul 2017

    Scene: dinner table - you could have stopped this 2yo -*grabs steak knife off table* NO, I STOP DIS!

    1 reply 1 like
  7. 21 Apr 2017

    Heard tortured screams from the other side of my office. I panicked, then realized it was a co-worker's visiting toddler.

    3 likes
  8. 10 Dec 2016

    Last known picture of my cousin Chad before he was devoured by a clan of toddlers.

    3 likes
  9. 1 May 2016

    "Part of my heart is black, mom...it doesn't love you." - my friend's 4 year old daughter. 😳

  10. 23 Mar 2016

    Me to boys: 'Wanna watch something scary?' /puts on teen mom

    3 likes
  11. 21 Dec 2015

    Holding babies is like Russian roulette; they land on the right person and *POW* throw up.

    1 like
  12. 29 Apr 2015

    My 3-year-old calls her toy blood pressure cuff, "The Blood Crusher."

    6 likes
  13. 27 Apr 2015

    We're looking forward to showing you BUUS' new on friday. It's called and it's guaranteed funny shit.

    1 retweet 2 likes
  14. 2 Oct 2014

    just walked by a middle school recess and heard more f bombs than I would in an entire routine.

  15. 26 May 2014

    Our daughter is talking in her bunny's creepy high pitched voice in her sleep.

  16. 11 May 2014

    Some kid is screaming outside and legit sounds like a revived pterodactyl kudos to mommies everywhere

    2 likes
  17. 2 Apr 2014

    Peter:"Sam, hug me." Sam *leans close and wraps arms around Peter's neck* "I will cut your legs."

    3 likes
  18. 19 Sep 2013

    Update: she growled like a monster then spit at my friend. She is in time out- please send help. #911

  19. 9 Aug 2013

    I hope the kids playing in our pool don't mind that I observe them like they're my anthropological research subjects

  20. 9 Jul 2013

    . enjoys Scathe meic Beorh's Children & Other Wicked Things.

    1 retweet

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