shifting into @harlequinean makes several things uncomfortably clear about my ordinary boy personality, maybe the biggest of which is that i deeply believe that i'm not allowed to be happy or have nice things or even want very much, by default, most of the time
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(it's not that she doesn't know the answer to this question, it's that she knows that me actually fully completely admitting the answer will Do Something) goddamnit, yes, of course. i love you and it scares me
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why are you explaining her to us
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yeah of course
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"i have to be good" yes obviously
"i have to walk on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting" also yes
"i can't let the soft animal of my body love what it loves" of course
ow
lotta people i could've picked up something like this from)