shifting into @harlequinean makes several things uncomfortably clear about my ordinary boy personality, maybe the biggest of which is that i deeply believe that i'm not allowed to be happy or have nice things or even want very much, by default, most of the time
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just for fun i'm gonna try reversing all of these
"i have to be good" yes obviously
"i have to walk on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting" also yes
"i can't let the soft animal of my body love what it loves" of course
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dang, man -- i flinched from the resonance of this wondering if our experience is also similar in another way: ever daydreamed about being gently told, "that's enough, it's over, well done, rest now."? bit tropey heh but this kinda thing:https://twitter.com/HuanWin/status/1027372673351868417?s=20 …
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THERE IS NO SCALE WEIGHING YOUR SOUL AT THE END OF THIS ROAD THERE IS NO COUNCIL OF WOMEN HOLDING YOUR HAPPINESS HOSTAGE IN EXCHANGE FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR DO WHAT U WANT WHAT'RE THEY GONNA DO, TAKE AWAY YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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tbh kind of wish there were and that they would just tell me exactly what my crimes are and what the punishment is so i can just take it
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YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD OR BAD YOU DO NOT HAVE TO FORGE YOURSELF THROUGH A HUNDRED DAYS TIL SEPTEMBER YOU ONLY HAVE TO LET THE BLACK SPACE BEHIND YOUR EYES BE
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damn girl
i want to hear more where that come from!!!
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What I want happens not when the deer freezes in the shade and looks at you and you hold very still and meet her gaze but in the moment after when she flicks her ears & starts to feed again.
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