Jared Schwartz

@hapfrap

Comms . Started . I'm just a millennial, standing in front of the internet, asking it to validate me.

Vrijeme pridruživanja: travanj 2008.
Rođen/a 07. svibnja

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  1. prije 18 sati

    "This is Not America's Next Top Best Friend": a six-part series on Jade, the exotic biracial butterfly, and how being vilified on ANTM led to a new career in developing skin care products for reptiles

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  2. 4. velj

    TURBOTAX: your w2 is available, log in today ME: cool will get to it soon TURBOTAX: get your refund even faster, log in right now for your W2! ME: yeah I got it TURBOTAX: bitch are you listening to me I said log in ME: TURBOTAX: ME: TURBOTAX: :)

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  3. 4. velj

    What happens in Iowa should stay in Iowa

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    For everyone freaking out over the scant outfits worn by J Lo and Shakira last night: here is how cheerleaders dress, I'm sorry you've never seen them before.

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  5. 3. velj

    Questions that single people hate being asked: - How are you still single? - Do you think your standards are too high? - What’s your type? Describe your perfect person. - I’m not sure you can order an entire pizza for yourself on Mondays and call that “meal prep”?

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  6. 3. velj

    questioning my sexuality

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  7. 2. velj

    not sure what hashtag we should be using: or

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  8. 2. velj

    *guessing strategy in my 20s* 1) you hooked up with your coworker 2) you hooked up in a bathroom 3) you hooked up with your ex *guessing strategy in my 30s* 1) you're engaged 2) you're pregnant 3) you're taking a break from dating so you can really focus on you

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  9. 1. velj

    my angsty teen is going through a ~phase~

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  10. 31. sij

    Super Bowl and Groundhog Day are on the same day so here's hoping Bill Murray hitting an alarm ends up in a commercial

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  11. 31. sij
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  12. 30. sij

    Recipe #2: NAKED PANCAKES 🥞 -Combine 3/4 cup pancake mix with 2/3 cup water -Pour some into frying pan, flip after few minutes, then remove -Burn each one a little more than the previous one -Don’t add syrup because you forgot to buy any

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  13. 29. sij

    Recipe #1: Eggs & Toast: Sunny D Side up -Scramble 2 eggs -Place them on unevenly toasted bread -Pair with Emergen-C (Super Orange complements the tonal flavors of scrambled eggs)

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  14. 29. sij

    I wanna go on a 1st date where we pretend we've known each other for 6 months. I'm sick of asking questions about hometowns and jobs. So, I already know your job. And you really need to tell Brenda to stop cutting you off in meetings. She's the fucking worst.

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  15. 28. sij

    grateful to all past and current coworkers who advocate for me on linkedin 🙏

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  16. 28. sij

    working on a cookbook for people who work from home and it’ll feature original recipes like: -frozen waffles -scrambled eggs with a pinch of salt -toast without butter because you ran out & don’t have enough time to get any before your 1pm mtg

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  17. 28. sij

    if you start drinking coffee you're gonna be on a whole new bathroom schedule

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    so if i am understanding correctly, a fair process should happen neither in public nor behind closed doors, not with witnesses nor without witnesses, quickly but in due time, neither by day nor by night

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    I FAVORITED THIS 9 YEARS AGO JUST FOR THE MOMENT TO TELL YOU I GOT ONE. YES IM PETTY AS FUCK, GOOD DAY MARK.

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  20. 27. sij

    convinced there’s no beginning or end to the , they go on forever, like the train from snowpiercer, and they’ll turn the camera on again next january

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