a friend

(i was transferred bc the dr who prescribed it to me moved out of my network, so i can’t go back to her even if i wanted to.) i remember her as being bubbly and kind, & i feel scared to explain why transitioning wasn’t right for me & that i feel there were too few barriers to it.

next week, i’m going back to the PCP i haven’t seen since 2018 when i was transferred into her care & she refilled my testosterone prescription. i’m feeling nervous, bc i have a lot of thoughts about being prescribed T so easily, yet she wasn’t the dr who initially gave it to me.

being a human is complex and difficult. i’m working on practicing gratitude and trying to cultivate hope for the future.

awake, insomnia as per the norm. thoughts racing. trying to practice mindfulness & awareness without judgement and becoming frustrated as i realize how truly short and unable to be reasoned with my attention span is. started to get emotional. adhd has impacted my life so severely

great thread on how dysphoric women being in female-only spaces can help w/ coming to terms with being female. it’s part of the reason why “afab only” spaces are so demonized - when women organize w/o males present, we’re able to authentically connect and learn from each other. https://t.co/hCRsOJWszd 

my therapist recently told me that i seem to have trouble letting other people care for me. i said, to tell them about my pain and let them feel for me means acknowledging that i didn’t deserve it, and that i matter enough to be worth someone’s concern. that’s difficult to do.

i don’t allow other people to know about my traumas because i don’t want them to feel for me. that makes me feel guilty. i don’t want people to feel as though they want to help me. i don’t let people help me or care for me. it feels foreign.

all i know is repression, dissociation, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion to try to prove to myself that i’m a capable person. followed by more fatigue, anxiety, no increase in my self-esteem, and guilt that i “couldn’t do it”- couldn’t be superhuman.

it helps to be able to see responses from others who can empathize. but it’s still a quick fix for me. i fear truly diving into my trauma to try to heal it bc i fear it will cause me to have a breakdown & i’ll have to be hospitalized. the thought of that makes me feel ashamed.

i haven’t rly been on this account in months. i’m someone who distracts myself from the pain of my trauma by processing it in a literal way, by writing, and especially by looking to feel understood. whenever i show up suddenly w a thread it means i’m trying to work with my brain.

i don’t know how to heal. i’m doing my best. i dont know if true peace will ever come for me. i’ve had it, in some moments, few and far between. but it feels like there’s no end to the pain. it feels like you can’t trust your own mind. it’s isolating, embarrassing, and fatiguing.

that mindset follows you into adulthood. it affects every interaction, every relationship, every response to a negative stimulus you have. when your core emotions are guilt and shame it feels like “everyone can see the evil coming from me.” like you need to justify your existence

i’ve always felt utterly Bad & Wrong at my core. as a child i couldn’t discern why. i turned it inward at myself- i wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t true. everything bad that happened, i was convinced i deserved it. that’s what i got for being a monster & i felt like a monster

it spirals. your brain isn’t being kind to you. like a movie playing on FF, you see all the traumatizing things you’ve experienced, all the times your trauma-brain led you to dangerous situations that led to more trauma. you feel like you’re proving your fears and shame right.

it’s like. how do you call out of work bc you had a trauma dream that left you shaking, crying, feeling like a scared, helpless child again? how can you explain that you’re burning w self-hatred at your own mind, feelings, and responses? that you feel Bad and Wrong at your core?