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One day I hope my laugh is as effortlessly gorgeous as a white woman in an iPhone commercial.
My new fall look are male jumpsuits. You heard it here first
Seriously, I just recut How To Get Away With Murder into a gay porno/snuff film. Add me so you can watch.
My snapchat story was just nominated for an Oscar for best short film! So honored!
If you didn't laugh at that last tweet I'm sorry you don't enjoy fun.
"I been stankin'! I been stankin'! They get filthy when that goat cheese get into me!" - a fart parody of Beyoncé's "Drunk in Love"
I took an Advil PM and just woke up from a nap. What'd I miss, Charlie Brown?
Guys, make more tweets to read so I don't have to get out of bed yet. (I'm on PST, before you go calling my lazy)
Controversial opinion: seasonal Reese's are all hype and no delivery. The holiday shapes throw off the perfect chocolate/peanut butter ratio
I'm still not done processing my feelings about Jessica Lange's performance of "Life on Mars" from American Horror Story.
I got gay married in Kim Kardashian: Hollywood and wrote about it because I'm a civil rights pioneer: http://www.dailydot.com/entertainment/gay-marriage-kim-kardashian-game/ …
.@GregSeals's guide to the hidden vocal talents of BoJack Horseman is a must-click http://www.dailydot.com/entertainment/bojack-horseman-vocal-talent/ … pic.twitter.com/MCQmq5h9RS
As a society, I feel like we're not talking enough about how basic Nutella is
@GregSeals <heads over to marketing department..> hey guys!!! Here's an amazeballs idea!!! #tweetfromtheseat
The Hanschen of @HanschenandIlse. Now: IN THE HEIGHTS (@TheVillageVault). Later: SPRAWL (@TheEnsemble), my musical LIZARD BOY (World Premiere at @seattlerep).
Dude | Ole Miss grad | Former Irish exit specialist | Everything in moderation, especially moderation
Dear @Charmin, please make a plush Charmin bear that has bits of toilet paper you can velcro and unvelcro to his butt. Thank you.
"Tomorrow we will eat better, actually workout instead of saying we did" - if I wrote The Great Gatsby
Belated #FF to the guy I just heard refresh his Twitter app in the next stall over.
Sext: My therapist nicknamed me the dump truck because I just love to unload ;)
Using the restroom at a gas station without making a purchase is my own personal Oceans 11
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