[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] saying I needed to "grow the hell up" and "how can you expect to be a good mother if you can't pull yourself together" I had to go to the hospital for dehydration. She screamed at me again
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[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] Meanwhile my two younger brothers (mostly the middle brother) treated me not much better. My middle brother would scream at me, throw things at me if I wasn't well enough to drive him places
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[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] He'd laugh at me for passing out. My mother would roll her eyes. My husband was working 12-hour shifts. I was alone. Utterly, completely alone. I don't know how I made it to be honest. It's so much a blur
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[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] My family had always treated me badly but this was like.....worse, if possible. And I was in such a horrible, vulnerable place. I had no one who listened, no one who gave me any sympathy except my grandmother
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[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] But she was so cowed by my mother that she never stood up for me. Finally I had the baby. My mother wanted to be in the room. I was so tired, so sick, so completely broken I agreed.
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[TW: pregnancy loss, miscarriage, emetophobia, vomit] I had an awful labor. 15 hours. Nothing was happening. They were going to give me a C-section but at the last minute my daughter was born. I was so exhausted, so wrecked and in so much pain I couldn't even hold her
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[TW: PPD, postpartum depression, suicide] Even before my pregnancy I suffered from untreated mental illness so I guess falling into the void of PPD was almost inevitable. I have so few memories of my daughter's first year. What I do remember is how awful my family was
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[TW: PPD, postpartum depression, suicide] My husband had to deploy when my daughter was 3 months old. I was alone with my mother and brothers. I was suicidal and my endometriosis symptoms (though I didn't know what they were at the time) came back with a vengeance.
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[TW: PPD, postpartum depression, suicide] There were days I had to crawl upstairs, sobbing with pain, passing out halfway there, to get my daughter and feed her while my brothers watched and laughed
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[TW: PPD, postpartum depression, suicide] Honestly I'm not going to go into more detail because even thinking about it nine years later is making me feel panicky. It was awful. It was a nightmare. I should have been happy but I was barely keeping myself alive. I had no one
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in the future, empathy will be unconditional. we have to sing the cosmic song as a species. http://owen.maresh.info/subsurface.html
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