But what if you do feel like a monster for what you have done? What if you do feel like you're just horrible for doing it? I apologize, a lot, and I do probably self deprecate myself while doing it even of I feel like I'm saying the truth. (1/?)
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I don't try to make others feel guilty at all, I genuinely believe what I'm saying. I acknowledge my wrong doings, and sometimes I feel so bad that yeah, I am harsh on myself bug it's in no way to make it sound like I want comfort.
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People are different. Some of us have been abused and that's how we react when we mess up. You're not in other's brain, instead of saying that they should not do that, I think you should try to understand why they do that. I don't have a specific example unfortunately.
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i dont doubt your intentions, but an apology should really just be about the person who's been wronged. just make them understand that you know what you did was wrong, that it won't happen again, and that's it really.
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and sure, you can always include self-contempt as part of the whole process, after you've (hopefully) made up, but it shouldn't be a part of the apology itself.
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The problem is when people try to excuse themselves by saying that they're an asshole. It's almost like they're trying to dissociate the problem from themselves.
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ah, yeah, like the whole "i speak my mind" copout for being a rude dick? anyway im sure some people do self-flagellate to somehow reassure the wronged party they're super sorry, not just to deflect blame. maybe im just naive.
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নতুন কথা-বার্তা -
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I think it’s clear when people are being genuine and when it’s a manipulation.
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টুইটটি অনুপলব্ধ
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It sucks even more if the mental illness then makes you think rhat you just want attention or that you are in fact manipulating the person when you just didn't really know what to say or how to fix the problem. I agree that self deprecation has to die but it's hard.
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it's something that took me years to unlearn. There were times when I didn't know if I was playing for sympathy because I really wanted it or if I really just wanted the excuse to talk to someone because I was THAT lonely.
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You can easily end up with a reputation as a drama queen that you can never really recover from no matter how hard you genuinely try to BE better.
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And it's just so freaking bad to be in that position. To feel guilty just for venting even, for asking for help to your best friend, because you eventually feel bad so often that people stray away from you despite your best efforts. (1/2)
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And it's understandable in part, it is quite the mental stress to always deal with someone with depression, anxiety, or what have you. Just sucks that most people won't speak to you soon enough about them getting tired, and when you most need them, boom. There it is. Rejection.
কথা-বার্তা শেষ
নতুন কথা-বার্তা -
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explanations and excuses are not apologies.
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True, but explanations are more pragmatic than apologies. I don’t care if someone is sorry for being wrong, I want to know why and what can be done to prevent it in the future
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Agreed, but I think there are times when just, “you are right I am sorry” is more effective.
কথা-বার্তা শেষ
নতুন কথা-বার্তা -
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The first step for me was banishing "sorry if I hurt you" and replacing it by "sorry that I hurt you", cause the first one implies that you did not fully acknowledge that YOU actually hurt the person and is often the sign that YOU think they are somehow responsible for taking -
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I have a sincere question, often when I apologize I find myself saying if I hurt you because when I assumed they were I would often get I am not hurt. Do I still say I am sorry I hurt you as a safe assumption?
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Well you can ask, I think. "did I hurt you ?" and if you get a "no" there is nothing more to say. What I say is not universal tho, if you're really not sure you hurt someone, "sorry if I hurt you" is OK, I think
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I just really disapprove of people saying "sorry if" to someone who clearly expressed they were hurt. Another solution is saying "I'm sorry, what I did / say was inappropriate"
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The other person is free to answer "it wasn't don't worry" or "it was but no worries I'm not hurt / I understood it wasn't your intention", etc
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Thank you, I appreciate your answer! It helps alot as I am terrified of conflict & worried that maybe I was offending people by assuming their thoughts & feelings.
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I understand, I tend to owerworry about those things too...
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