Someitmes food in the microwave will make an insane noise. It's all good though. trust the process
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tyler kotowski
@goodfunnyguy
just come to the comedy shows
no one likes being online
no one likes being onlineJoined January 2019
tyler kotowski’s Tweets
“Check out the forks!”
…..what?
Is that parody?
He’s kidding right?
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“Oh damn Carter has the new jets hat? Better buy one”
- literally no one ever
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Why de brands send Carter Chen anything?
Do businesses understand that if I see him associating with their brand - it makes me want to never buy anything?
Who sincerely saw his 800th post from the Egg restaurant on Main and thought “hmm ya I gotta go there now”
Stop it.
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Twitter is the platform I have the fewest followers on so it’s actually best for my career if it becomes a useless metric. thanks Elon I love you
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⚠️ Earth update ⚠️
- France servers will be temporarily disabled due to a maintenance
- The amount of water that socks absorb decreased by 20%
- Belts will now do 12% less damage and will not have a slowdown effect
- Biting your lip now does 25% more bleed damage
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⚠️ Earth update ⚠️
- No changes to France
- Chance of acid rain increased by 6%
- Dog’s breath will stink less by 15%
- Stubbing your toe now does 10% more damage
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Sometimes I'll be out at a grocery store or a restaurant and I'll walk up to someone and say, "Hey! Aren't you that audience member?!" And then I'll ask them to laugh for me.
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This is crazy, people born in 2001 (the year 9/11 premiered) are now the same age the pilot was (21) when he hit the south tower.
Wasn’t surprised when the second plane hit on 9/11. With a crime that infamous, there was bound to be copycats
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People are gonna be so sad when they find out DJ Blitz is running the Winnipeg Wildin’ account
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Weird how someone can have a “good head on their shoulders” and that’s all good, but it’s bizarre if I say they have a “good dick on their balls”
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Dumb man: I can lift 600 pounds
Me: And I can lift you. Therefore….
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Just found out this is actually true. Bad news
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When someone is like “I can deadlift 600 pounds” it’s like ok well nothing weighs that much so?
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You should be allowed to drive without a seat belt as long as you promise to click it in real fast if you see an accident coming.
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Who do you think will replace Queen Latifah when she dies?
I bet Missy Elliot.
(2 likes and I will say this on stage)
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Kids born on 9/11 can now drink legally and brother….well deserved
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If you make fun of the Arkells in Canada, you don’t get invited to the Junos. Absolutely fucked but that’s how it is.
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Imagine sounding like such a fuckin hater
Quote Tweet
My favourite type of comedian is one that sucks shit and insists that everyone in the world is just a hater.
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Minions would taste like pork
You would need to cook low & slow
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If I die please remember me as a great cool guy who was nice and helped out and actually changed a lot of our lives for the better but also had a certain unique quality you just couldn't put your finger on with an infectious laugh & unmistakable style
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Happy Fringe to those who participate - hope you find peace
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If I text you “👨🏻🌾🧤🗽🛁”
Please consider that I may be having a stroke and not playing a silly little game.
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If you don’t piss for a few days, the hole starts to heal shut. It’s so important to piss all the time.
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I bet there’s a minion who is like Ted Bundy
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The three stooges of grief are: denial, anger, getting poked in both eyes at the same time
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An incalculable loss.
I can’t believe this.
So many of his jokes were just simple enough to make you believe you could do the same….but you couldn’t. No one could and no one ever will.
Gonna quote his bits forever.
Quote Tweet
It is with profound sadness that we announce the sudden passing of our beloved brother Nick Nemeroff.
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read image description
ALT
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She’s a 10 but rides around like this on the underbelly of a shark hundreds of feet below the surface of the water
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Drake should just say:
“Ya, that was a new one”
Works every time
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I started going bald after I ate at Brazen Hall last year. Not implying anything, just giving you the timeline. Send me $100 gift card and I’ll delete this.
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I’d kill to have my head chopped off by a giant man in a hood. He’s wearing full clothing so you can’t tell but he has tattoos all over. And anyway ya, he chops my head off.
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This guy has been killing it all week so far. Catch him this weekend at the club
rumorscomedyclub.com/events/1653512
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This is going viral
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RT if true.
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Come to my show I’m sorry I’m better than this
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I stand on the shoulders of giants and dribble shit down their necks
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Idiots that read books are always trying to tell you about how a book “begs the question”
If book so smart, how book have question?
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