God

@god

Hells yeah, it's me!

heaven
Joined January 2007
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  1. Pinned Tweet
    17 Mar 2014

    Best fortune ever!

    525 replies 4,739 retweets 13,184 likes
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  2. 13 hours ago

    Happy New Year everybody! My resolution this year is to have an open mind and not group people into such broad categories. As such I promise to be more targeted in unleashing my rage on tyrants and idiots. I have also once again extended the three-second rule to five seconds.

    21 replies 99 retweets 675 likes
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  3. 24 Dec 2018

    I’ll play along, but he’s not really my kid. Immaculate conception is a load of crap. That shit would never fly today. Merry Christmas.

    40 replies 191 retweets 1,216 likes
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  4. 21 Dec 2018

    It’s funnier if you pause to picture it in your head...

    13 replies 237 retweets 1,246 likes
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  5. 17 Dec 2018

    37 replies 370 retweets 2,177 likes
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  6. 2 Dec 2018

    Epic baptismal fail! Gotta wash away that original sin completely... get behind the ears.

    25 replies 125 retweets 661 likes
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  7. 22 Nov 2018

    Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

    45 replies 211 retweets 1,156 likes
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  8. 6 Oct 2018

    Oldie but goodie from The New Yorker:

    25 replies 62 retweets 534 likes
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  9. 6 Sep 2018

    I just got a Trans Am. Welcome Burt!

    25 replies 91 retweets 838 likes
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  10. 13 Aug 2018

    Very well written, full-length, depressing lowlight reel of to the tune of “We didn’t start the fire” by :

    12 replies 62 retweets 255 likes
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  11. 16 Jul 2018

    Whenever someone says, “I’d love to pick your brain.”, just respond with, “I’d love to eat your liver.”

    55 replies 404 retweets 1,916 likes
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  12. 11 Jun 2018

    A ruthless tyrant and the president of North Korea are engaging in peace talks.

    62 replies 208 retweets 1,661 likes
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  13. 5 Jun 2018

    Hells yeah!

    Who you hanging with? Hey
    25 replies 27 retweets 373 likes
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  14. 27 May 2018

    Don’t tell everyone !

    Reminder: the correct resolution to the "can an omnipotent god make a rock so heavy that even he cannot lift it?" paradox is: yes, he can, but as soon as the rock is created he will no longer be omnipotent, he'll be 'omnipotent except for that darn rock' Now you know.
    7 replies 13 retweets 199 likes
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  15. 27 May 2018

    As Memorial Day approaches it’s important to remember that no matter how important “they” were, they are dead and you are not. That’s kinda’ cool.

    18 replies 63 retweets 543 likes
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  16. 21 Apr 2018

    And when asked, “Why are there only one set of footprints at times?”, Jesus replied, “...because you suck, and I had to carry your ass when things got difficult.”

    35 replies 266 retweets 1,350 likes
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  17. 14 Apr 2018

    Just sayin’

    22 replies 395 retweets 1,956 likes
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  18. 1 Apr 2018

    My favorite April Fool’s promotion. I think they actually give you a book too:

    6 replies 25 retweets 214 likes
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  19. 1 Apr 2018

    Enjoy the chocolate bunnies...just as JC intended.

    20 replies 183 retweets 833 likes
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  20. 15 Mar 2018

    Sorry man, we’ll send someone...

    112 replies 955 retweets 3,976 likes
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  21. 9 Mar 2018

    This church banner makes it look like JC actually got shot or run over instead of crucified.

    26 replies 47 retweets 507 likes
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