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  1. 11 Aug 2018

    20 year old white anarchist: White people be using straws in their craft beer Me: LMAO [crumples up wendys bag and shoves it behind seat as I back out of the parking space at 30 mph]

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  2. (me on fallon) seriously jimmy. when I'm trying to kill two birds I'll use like six or seven stones. that's normal to me, (fallon's fake laughter turns into a seizure and he starts speaking in tongues)

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  3. Gentle reminder y’all. If you’re trying to kill two birds, don’t limit yourself. You can use as many stones as you want

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  4. New month comin up

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  5. girls will have 27 ants, 15 weevils and a caterpillar talking about "my life a movie" yeah it is A Bug's Life

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  6. Is my wife bothering you dude?

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  7. Jan 30

    For thousands of years humans have loved receiving notifications

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  8. (Describing John cage’s 4’33”) white men stay doing the least

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  9. Lmao imagine seeing a pearl and trying to clutch that shit. couldn't be me

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  10. Not going to post about Kobe Bryant until I can think of a more annoying opinion than the woman who said he should have bought a train or whatever

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  11. My therapist recommended that I go rat mode

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  12. Accidentally introduced my physician to irony and now she wont stop DMing me "love to contract the corone of virus"

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  13. (for this tweet recall that I sincerely believe joe biden and joe rogan are brothers because they have the same first name) i honestly can't believe rogan would betray his brother like this

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  14. My only contribution to the joe rogan discourse is my belief that him and joe biden are brothers (same first name)

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  15. (Describing the shitty characteristics of the specific people I surround myself with) it sucks that literally everyone on earth is like this

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  16. Hey man, I just read your screen play. well the bad news is, it sucks ass. but the good news is I actually liked it, due to my low IQ

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  17. (observing a person cynically and opportunistically changing their opinions to align with whatever seems popular at any given time) that's growth

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  18. hey now that i have y'alls attention: my wife locked me in her car for going viral with a screenshot of our texts. can someone please come let me out

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  19. Hillary Clinton honestly seems like one of those friends whose really quiet when you first meet her but when you get to know her better she's constantly making epic criticisms of you in a four-part docuseries for hulu plus

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