one of the scariest things as a woman is never knowing which man is going to hurt you because it can genuinely be any of them. many, many women (including me, my mother, and my grandmother) go their entire lives being abused by their fathers or their partners.
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and they are supposed to love you unconditionally. and people don't believe you when you're being hurt, because a man's value is so much higher than a woman's. a man's opinion has more value than a woman's; a man's perspective is valued so much more than a woman's.
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when you go your entire life being hurt by men who are *supposed* to love you, it makes it all the more horrifying to go through every day interacting with men you're friends with, or are acquaintances with. it's much worse with strangers.
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you don't know that man. you don't know his history. you don't know how violent he could be towards others. you don't know what your male friends are saying to each other. you don't see how they talk about woman behind closed doors. locker room talk.
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it just never, ever ends. it's an infinite cycle of cautiously allowing yourself to get close to men without ever getting *too* close because they might take that as an invitation to your body, your privacy, or even your home and other places you're supposed to be safe at.
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i am afraid, every day, of simply smiling at men at work. i know most men know that a smile is simply a professional, friendly gesture and nothing more. but there are a handful that believe it's a sign that i would allow them to fuck me. and i don't know who thinks *what.*
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i've had men say inappropriate things to me both online and in person. an irl man from work blocked me on skype once because i said i wasn't interested in having sex with him, and then months later he told me he was going to show up at my house to pick me up and take me to a bar.
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and i had repeatedly told him that i was not interested in going anywhere with him. i was terrified. i literally had my stepdad get the fucking gun and wait near the door with me in case he did show up at my house and try to force me into his car.
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he didn't show up at my house after badgering me over it for two and a half hours. i was LUCKY. i had two man make me physically put my number into their phones even after i told them i couldn't, i wasn't interested, and i even desperately reasoned it was against work policy.
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they made me do it anyway because they knew that they had the power in that situation, and men don't take no for an answer. at work i've men over twice my age crack dirty jokes at me (or worse), i had a man tell me "i like it when you call me sir" to imply some weird D/s shit.
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i've had a man physically grab my arm and turn me around so he could look at my ass. i was so shaken by it that some of my other coworkers brought it to my manager's attention and we reviewed it on tape before they came to the conclusion nothing could be done about him.
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i just don't. trust. men. i have no reason to. i forge friendships where i can and i value the men who haven't been WEIRD at me, all i can do is hope to any higher power out there that they don't act inappropriate or do worse than that.
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and it SCARES me because i don't know which men in my life could be reading this MRA red pill bullshit, which ones ascribe to this incel idealogy that they are inherently owed sex because they haven't had it yet, or which ones are simply just abusive.
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it is so scary. i can't even begin to describe how much worry is ingrained into every single interaction i have in places where men are or can be present. i don't know why i'm writing so much about this, lol!! i feel terrorized. and incels want women to feel terrorized. idk.
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incels publicly talk about their rampant, violent, freakish misogyny and their misogynistic fantasies and straight up delusions, & most 'regular' men *still* won't believe that there is a problem. some will even agree with what they're saying!! what are women supposed to do?
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anyway, lol! i'm going to stop talking about this because i'm exhausted of thinking about it. tomorrow at work i'm going to smile at all of my male customers because i'm required to be friendly, and i'm going to pray that they don't think that i'm flirting with them.
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