So I take myself out to Fancy Alone Dinner bc I'm a Fancy Alone Lady now and I get to do things like order duck for one. I get all cozy.
-
-
Show this thread
-
A fella sits at the adjacent table. I do a double-take, because I'm like 98% certain that it's James Spader, but the 2% wins. It ain't him.pic.twitter.com/PoPxydotyM
Show this thread -
He sits there for like 20 minutes while I eat my duck. Half the time he is staring at me like he wants to say something but I am likepic.twitter.com/NMU6ABqoat
Show this thread -
Finally, a PERSON storms in and FLUMPS across from him. My overall impression is: BEDRAGGLED YOUTHSOME LADY. But she's not just any BYL.
Show this thread -
I shamelessly eavesdrop. Not James Spader: You made it! Bedraggled Young Lady: Yeah, sorry, I was at a rave and lost track of time.
Show this thread -
NJS: [adjusts tie] Oh, uh, um, a rave? Like, uh, at a club? BYL: Yeah, but it was like weird. Whatever NJS: ...what's that you're wearing?
Show this thread -
reader, I have perhaps withheld the most important detail of this date. What's that you're wearing, he asked. the answer: a wolf onesie
Show this thread -
"A onesie?" NJS asked, like a fool. "Like, what babies wear?" "Yeah," she said, "except it has paws!" And then she showed him the paws
Show this thread -
Not James Spader shifted in his Nice Date Suit as the young lady popped up her Wolf Onesie hood and showed him the paws and said "raaaarrr"
Show this thread -
Now, at this point I'm like, this poor guy. He's not even James Spader, and he's on this date with a girl who he is CLEARLY not prepared for
Show this thread -
I was kind of rooting for Not James Spader BUT THEN WOLF GIRL SAW THE MENU AND THINGS TOOK A TURN
Show this thread -
"There's nothing good to eat here," she complained, being WRONG. "There's no normal food. Except maybe the pork." Not James Spader GASPED.
Show this thread -
"You eat pork?" Not James Spader said, aghast. There are a lot of reasons for him to be upset about this. None of those are the reason.
Show this thread -
"I don't eat pork," he said with all the gravitas of a man in a suit on a date with a girl in a wolf onesie, "because pigs eat cats."
Show this thread -
At this point, the obviously eavesdropping waitress and obviously eavesdropping me exchanged a glance likepic.twitter.com/22QmoQjtMC
Show this thread -
"Pigs eat cats?" Wolf Girl asked Not James Spader, sounding EXTREMELY READY TO BELIEVE HIM
Show this thread -
"Yeah," he said, "Pigs mostly subsist on a diet of cats. And cats eat rats, which is disgusting. You wouldn't eat a rat, would you?"
Show this thread -
"Wow," Wolf Girl said, "I never thought of it that way." "Do you wanna go get a drink somewhere else?" Not James Spader asked, unprepared.
Show this thread -
Wolf Girl said no: "My fake ID got confiscated at the rave." "No worries," Not James Spader replied. "I can get you in at my ex-wifes bar."
Show this thread -
AND WITH THAT, NOT JAMES SPADER AND WOLF GIRL RAN OUT OF THE RESTAURANT, HAND IN HAND, INTO THE NIGHT
Show this thread -
Eavesdropping Waitress brought me a big glass of free champagne and said "so... do pigs really eat cats?" reader I didn't have an answer
Show this thread -
While I've got you here HEY, VOTE. GO VOTE, DON'T FORGET, IT'S FUCKING IMPORTANT
Show this thread
End of conversation
New conversation -
Loading seems to be taking a while.
Twitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup. Try again or visit Twitter Status for more information.