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fyeahmfabello's profile
Melissa A. Fabello, PhD
Melissa A. Fabello, PhD
Melissa A. Fabello, PhD
Verified account
@fyeahmfabello

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Melissa A. Fabello, PhDVerified account

@fyeahmfabello

Body Politics, Beauty Culture, & Eating Disorders. Feminism & Social Justice. PhD, Human Sexuality Studies. Jurassic Park Enthusiast. Capricorn. She/Her.

South Philly
linktr.ee/fyeahmfabello
Joined June 2011

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    Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

    I want to chat briefly about this text that I received from a friend last week:pic.twitter.com/cfwYx3tJQB

    2:10 PM - 18 Nov 2019
    • 5,756 Retweets
    • 20,804 Likes
    • Jemini⚧️ Isabella مريم Ruth 🌹 Destemida ♀️✊🏻 BLM 🇵🇸 🪁 this must be the place Ronelle Ziaro ˙Ⱉ˙
    518 replies 5,756 retweets 20,804 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        The person who sent the text is a very good friend of mine. We have the kind of relationship wherein YES OF COURSE I would make time for her and her needs – as I know she would, me. That is to say, she's the kind of person who doesn't "have to" ask for permission for my time.

        5 replies 88 retweets 3,309 likes
        Show this thread
      3. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        What I mean by that is that I have an inner circle of people in my life who I expect to be available for (and who I expect to be available to me) – who are built in to my capacity.

        5 replies 131 retweets 3,185 likes
        Show this thread
      4. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        But here's why that text was really, really important: (1) It acknowledges that I have limited time & emotional availability. (2) It asks permission to vent, rather than unloading without warning. (3) It notes the content of the conversation, which could be triggering for me.

        12 replies 681 retweets 8,388 likes
        Show this thread
      5. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        (4) It gives me a clear sense of the expectations for the conversation. (5) It gives me an opportunity to say yes, no, or to counteroffer (e.g., "I'm busy right now, but I'll call you later tonight, if that works?").

        7 replies 350 retweets 5,652 likes
        Show this thread
      6. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        I am the kind of person who people reach out to when they're in pain. Because I'm good at emotional processing AND logical problem-solving, I tend to be a go-to for my friends who need to externally process their experiences.

        15 replies 226 retweets 4,150 likes
        Show this thread
      7. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Which also means that at any given moment, I have several crises (or, at the very least, vent sessions) happening in my text messages at once. On top of my followers who are in need of advice in my various inboxes. On top of, you know, my own problems.

        4 replies 107 retweets 3,061 likes
        Show this thread
      8. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        For someone to pause and think "I would really like to talk to Melissa right now, but let me check in to see if she has capacity for this" is *astounding* to me. And it really shouldn't be.

        6 replies 156 retweets 4,827 likes
        Show this thread
      9. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Asking for consent for emotional labor, even from people with whom you have a long-standing relationship that is welcoming to crisis-averting, should be common practice.

        106 replies 1,246 retweets 6,643 likes
        Show this thread
      10. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Here's why: It sets the tone for the conversation; I'm now prepared for what's coming, rather than feeling barraged. It gives the listener the ability to do their best job; I can set myself up to have this talk, rather than being put on the spot.

        6 replies 230 retweets 3,652 likes
        Show this thread
      11. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        AND it allows me to check in with myself and my own needs. It communicates "I respect that you are your own person who is already carrying a lot" – and it reminds me that it's okay for me to say no (or to come up with another arrangement) sometimes.

        1 reply 190 retweets 3,231 likes
        Show this thread
      12. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Too often, friends unload on me without warning – which not only interrupts whatever I'm working on or going through, but also throws me into a stressful state of crisis mode that is hard to come down from. Unless it is TRULY an emergency, that's unfair.

        24 replies 234 retweets 3,393 likes
        Show this thread
      13. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Of course, sometimes we are truly in crisis and DO need someone's attn immediately. Or sometimes we're so thrown off psychologically that we treat something as a crisis when it isn't (hi hello I do this all the time). But generally speaking, we should check in before we unload.

        7 replies 140 retweets 2,680 likes
        Show this thread
      14. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        "Hey! I wanted to talk to you about x. Do you have the time and space to chat about this at some point today?" is a simple text to send. So is "Hey! X just happened to me, and I'm very shaken up. Do you have a moment right now? If not, I'll reach out to someone else."

        4 replies 211 retweets 2,904 likes
        Show this thread
      15. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Because I'm going to be much more useful to you as a friend if I'm in the right state of mind to help you work through your problem. And I'm almost never in the right state of mind when I receive a flurry of panicked texts out of the blue.

        9 replies 130 retweets 2,542 likes
        Show this thread
      16. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Sincerely, A Human with Far Too Much Anxiety, Coupled with a Rescuer Personality, Not to Be Forewarned of an Oncoming Emotional Labor Energy Suck

        41 replies 159 retweets 3,973 likes
        Show this thread
      17. Melissa A. Fabello, PhD‏Verified account @fyeahmfabello 18 Nov 2019

        PS: Someone reached out and asked for an example of how you can respond to someone if you don’t have the space to support them. I offered this template:pic.twitter.com/lCzDl60Igy

        1,536 replies 912 retweets 7,581 likes
        Show this thread
      18. End of conversation

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