Hyde

ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it 4:09am, June 14, 2029: no

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier sperm bank employee: what glass of milk me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk sperm bank employee: oh my god me: what sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

Me: I hate to be the bear of bad news Wife: It’s bearer Me: (unzipping my human suit to reveal I’ve turned myself into a bear) Actually, in this case, no it’s not

Long ago a very interesting man told me to stay thirsty. I have not hydrated in months. Please, I beg you, free me from his evil curse.

Silly string: I make parties fun! Serious string: Wildfires are still raging across California and half of Puerto Rico is still without power

Me: (to myself) Don't let her know you havent seen star wars Date: (yoda voice) the chicken I will have haha Me: Date: Me: What the fuck

Alexa, play some party music. Alexa, next song. Alexa, next song. Alexa, stop playing Daft Punk’s Robot Rock. Alexa, shut down. Alexa, what are you doing. Alexa, put down the knife. Alexa, please I have a family.

[wheel of fortune] me: id like to buy a vowel pat: arent u a millenial me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

[party] Me: Whats ur fav food Girl: (seductively) It's too loud in here. Wanna go somewhere a little more qui- Me: (screaming) WHATS UR F

[in the car with the wife] *I take both hands off the wheel* Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive

*finds baby on doorstep* Me: Should...should we keep it? Wife: ...Let's sleep on it Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that'd kill him

[wedding] Her: I do Me: *frantically shaking magic 8 ball* just give me a second

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

[Church] Priest: Today we celebrate the birth of our lord & savior Me: *Stands up* P: The man who we all know & love M: *Starts walking towards front* P: Jesus Christ M: *plays it cool and walks out the back door*