I learned the phrase "my heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today" when I was nine years old and read WATERSHIP DOWN for the first time. I never really understood it before now.
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I have had losses in my life, both human and animal, but what I haven't talked about all that much--because how do you say it? How do you put words where words have no business?--is how big a hole I knew Alice would leave.
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She and I met in December of 2008. I was staying with friends in Seattle, who had me on suicide watch following the end of multiple incredibly important relationships that had all sort of cascaded apart at once.
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I didn't have any published books. My job was not something that made me happy. I felt like a failure as a friend and a person and a writer and I was not holding on very well at all.
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And then, suddenly, there was Alice. This furious little furred potato who informed the world in no uncertain terms that I was HER human, and why had I taken so long to show up, DIDN'T I KNOW SHE WAS WAITING.
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I didn't know I was waiting. But I was. I was waiting for something to love me so intensely that I would be able to choose to stay. I stopped making plans for finishing my business. I started making plans for Alice.
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I'm in a much better place now, in so many ways, and while I did a lot of the work of getting myself here, Alice was the one who gave me something to hang onto without fear of holding too hard and being abandoned again. Alice got me here.
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Last night I learned that I can cry so much I have to put my pillow in the dryer. I keep forgetting to breathe. I'm not holding my breath; I'm just...not breathing.
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I know the grief will fade. I won't be the "I miss my cat" channel all the time forever. But today...
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I finally understand what it means to have my heart join the Thousand. I just want her back.
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