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fozmeadows's profile
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
@fozmeadows

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Foz Meadows

@fozmeadows

Author, fanwriter, trash bandit, queer geek feminist, dork. Jack of all pronouns, mxtress of none. Yells about hockey. Aussie in the US.

Irvine, CA
fozmeadows.wordpress.com
Joined February 2009

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    1. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      Assault the first: a random guy in my college dorms mistook (he claimed) my unlocked bedroom for his. It was after a college-wide party, so we'd both been drinking. He only realised my room was mine when he got into bed and was surprised to find me there. (cont.)

      1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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    2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      I was very tired. I asked him to go. He plead that he, too, was super tired and could he just sleep there? I said yes, because I'm cool sharing beds and wanted to go the fuck back to sleep. About ten seconds later, he started kissing me and trying to feel me up. (cont.)

      1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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    3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      I told him, annoyed, to knock it off and get out. He apologised, said he'd stop but pleaded again to stay. I grumpily said fine and let him. About twenty seconds later, he started again. That time I *did* kick him out, and he went. I locked the door & went straight back to sleep.

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    4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      Assault the second: while attending a party at a neighbouring all-male college, I went into the halls to find the bathroom. One of the doors to a nearby room opened as I passed, revealing a dude who I vaguely recognised from earlier. He called me over to him. (cont.)

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    5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      He said he needed to tell me something in private. When he beckoned, I leaned in to hear it. He grabbed me, kissed me, and tried to pull me into his room. I shoved him away and stepped back. He apologised, grinned. I glared. (cont.)

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    6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      He then asked me to come closer again, so that he could apologise properly. I declined; he insisted. I still wanted to find the bathroom and wanted this exchange over with, so obliged. He did the same thing again: grab, kiss, pull. I shoved him again and walked off.

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    7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      As stated earlier, I have no trauma from these events. Each time, I was annoyed at what I perceived as a guy trying it on out of nowhere - but then, I had zero literary on what constituted assault, and had internalised a lot of bullshit about what male behaviour was as a teen.

      1 reply 0 retweets 11 likes
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    8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      I wasn't traumatised because, at the time, it never occurred to me that I was in any real danger. I had no yardstick for thinking a laughing, sheepish dude might suddenly turn violent and coercive, and I was used to the idea that guys were inherently opportunistic.

      1 reply 0 retweets 15 likes
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    9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      And that, here, is the key word: opportunistic. In both cases, drunk dudes saw my presence as an opportunity to have sex. They initiated touching out of nowhere & persisted past my first no "just in case", but because I was a random opportunity, they were content not to push it.

      1 reply 0 retweets 16 likes
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    10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      I don't know when "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again" became the mantra of male sexual/romantic overtures, but to me, it's this attitude that fuels the opportunism of way too many assaults. Because in my position, another person might easily have frozen in terror.

      1 reply 4 retweets 23 likes
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      Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

      The fact that I didn't freeze doesn't make me brave or strong: it means I had one of a possible range of normal human reactions to a particular incident. And the fact that I was able to get both dudes to leave me alone doesn't mean what they did was remotely OK. It was assault.

      4:19 AM - 17 Jan 2018
      • 3 Retweets
      • 25 Likes
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      2 replies 3 retweets 25 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          The thing about laws is that they're based on ACTIONS, not reactions TO those actions. A genial person might get robbed of their liquor and cigarettes during a break-in and not be too fussed at the loss, but what happened to them is still a crime.

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        3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          Likewise, a person might be hit in their childhood and grow up to have a good relationship with their parents, but the fact that it worked out okay FOR THEM doesn't mean it wasn't abuse.

          1 reply 2 retweets 12 likes
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        4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          As part of learning how to human, kids test boundaries. You tell them to stop throwing a ball, they do smaller throws instead. Tell them to stop again, they move the ball from hand to hand. If you don't react to that, they might decide you don't mind anymore and escalate again.

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        5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          This sort of opportunism is part of their learning process: they're learning how to ask what "no" means by testing its boundaries. Does "stop throwing the ball" mean "stop throwing it really high inside," or "stop throwing it where I can see it?" But adults KNOW what it means.

          1 reply 2 retweets 11 likes
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        6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          Adults, unlike little kids, are able to read context cues and are eloquent enough to ask for clarification in the event of confusion or uncertainty. Like a child, an adult might not WANT to stop throwing the metaphorical ball, but they still understand what "stop throwing" means.

          1 reply 1 retweet 11 likes
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        7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          But when it comes to vulnerable people, a great many adults regress to that childlike, opportunistic selfishness where their own wants are deliberately put ahead of what they otherwise understand.

          1 reply 1 retweet 11 likes
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        8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          A parent who teaches their child to say "please" and "thank you" at home might easily deny those courtesies to a service worker. A bro who reacts with hostility to being hugged or touched by relatives without warning might persistently grab at unwilling girls at parties.

          1 reply 3 retweets 9 likes
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        9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          I've wandered away from my point a bit, but to summarise: - abuse/assault are defined by actions, not traumatic reactions - selfish opportunism fuels a lot of abuse & shitty behaviour - different people react differently, but we still need common standards for law & courtesy

          1 reply 11 retweets 29 likes
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        10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 17 Jan 2018

          HERE ENDETH THE THREAD

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        11. End of conversation
        1. Rye‏ @SkeptiCareBear 17 Jan 2018
          Replying to @fozmeadows

          Thread followers: for more on this, see Dr. Campbells "the Neurobiology of Sexual Assault". (Several transcrpts are about. I could not find the original video.)

          0 replies 0 retweets 0 likes
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