And while we're on the topic of boundaries and assault: in light of what happened with Ansari, I want to return momentarily to the subject of my own assaults at university. Trigger warning for the tweets that follow.
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The fact that I didn't freeze doesn't make me brave or strong: it means I had one of a possible range of normal human reactions to a particular incident. And the fact that I was able to get both dudes to leave me alone doesn't mean what they did was remotely OK. It was assault.
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The thing about laws is that they're based on ACTIONS, not reactions TO those actions. A genial person might get robbed of their liquor and cigarettes during a break-in and not be too fussed at the loss, but what happened to them is still a crime.
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Likewise, a person might be hit in their childhood and grow up to have a good relationship with their parents, but the fact that it worked out okay FOR THEM doesn't mean it wasn't abuse.
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As part of learning how to human, kids test boundaries. You tell them to stop throwing a ball, they do smaller throws instead. Tell them to stop again, they move the ball from hand to hand. If you don't react to that, they might decide you don't mind anymore and escalate again.
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This sort of opportunism is part of their learning process: they're learning how to ask what "no" means by testing its boundaries. Does "stop throwing the ball" mean "stop throwing it really high inside," or "stop throwing it where I can see it?" But adults KNOW what it means.
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Adults, unlike little kids, are able to read context cues and are eloquent enough to ask for clarification in the event of confusion or uncertainty. Like a child, an adult might not WANT to stop throwing the metaphorical ball, but they still understand what "stop throwing" means.
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But when it comes to vulnerable people, a great many adults regress to that childlike, opportunistic selfishness where their own wants are deliberately put ahead of what they otherwise understand.
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A parent who teaches their child to say "please" and "thank you" at home might easily deny those courtesies to a service worker. A bro who reacts with hostility to being hugged or touched by relatives without warning might persistently grab at unwilling girls at parties.
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I've wandered away from my point a bit, but to summarise: - abuse/assault are defined by actions, not traumatic reactions - selfish opportunism fuels a lot of abuse & shitty behaviour - different people react differently, but we still need common standards for law & courtesy
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