like "ah yes, the sun is out, my loved ones are happy, and I'm lowkey aware of all the knives and exposed beams in this house. fol-de-rol."
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Replying to @fozmeadows
the problem with suicidal ideation is that it doesn't feel pressingly real or important, just sort of drab & nagging, right until it doesn't
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Replying to @fozmeadows
or at least, that's my experience of it. people are different! but it's a very frustrating thing because you can't just will it away
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Replying to @fozmeadows
black humour for me is a really useful yardstick for where I'm at, not least because it often feels like the only safe means of expression
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Replying to @fozmeadows
what you're often trying to do in this situation is wave a kind of semaphore flag: "hey, could use some reasons why stuff doesn't suck!"
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Replying to @fozmeadows
because, counter-intuitively from an outside perspective, sitting down & talking out the Bad Deets with friends makes you feel contagious
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Replying to @fozmeadows
as though you're spreading all your worst thoughts around and thereby making life worse for *other people*, which makes YOU feel worse -
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Replying to @fozmeadows
- when what you really want is for people to reach out in any other capacity, so that you're not defined by illness & so you can escape it.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
the idea tht people are only making an effort because you're sick & not because they actually like you otherwise is really fucking insidious
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Replying to @fozmeadows
like I think what a lot of people don't understand about depression is that it literally exists to play devil's advocate to every good thing
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"my friends care abt me!" "no, they care that you're sick. you're a burden like this." "people are worried!" "yes, but they'd rather not be"
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Replying to @fozmeadows
the thing that's most frustrating is when well-meaning people react poorly to a depressed person's failure to "appreciate" their outreach
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Replying to @fozmeadows
and try to coach you on how much of an effort they're making, and why can't you just try a little harder? like YES DEBRA, WHY CAN'T I?
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