chronic depression makes being alive feel like you're perpetuating the sunk cost fallacy, which rationally you know is wrong AND YET
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Replying to @fozmeadows
it's such a stupidly difficult thing to talk about, too, not even necessarily because raising the topic is hard but because it dead-ends?
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Replying to @fozmeadows
like unless you're at a point where acting on the ideation is a real possibility (which it's not for me right now) you don't really... react
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Replying to @fozmeadows
expressions of sympathy are well-meant, but don't really help because you're not actually feeling sad, like they are; you're just kinda numb
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Replying to @fozmeadows
expressions of shock or horror or panic likewise don't help, because they're all *emotive* responses & this awful thing just feels baseline
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Replying to @fozmeadows
like "ah yes, the sun is out, my loved ones are happy, and I'm lowkey aware of all the knives and exposed beams in this house. fol-de-rol."
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Replying to @fozmeadows
the problem with suicidal ideation is that it doesn't feel pressingly real or important, just sort of drab & nagging, right until it doesn't
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Replying to @fozmeadows
or at least, that's my experience of it. people are different! but it's a very frustrating thing because you can't just will it away
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Replying to @fozmeadows
black humour for me is a really useful yardstick for where I'm at, not least because it often feels like the only safe means of expression
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Replying to @fozmeadows
what you're often trying to do in this situation is wave a kind of semaphore flag: "hey, could use some reasons why stuff doesn't suck!"
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because, counter-intuitively from an outside perspective, sitting down & talking out the Bad Deets with friends makes you feel contagious
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Replying to @fozmeadows
as though you're spreading all your worst thoughts around and thereby making life worse for *other people*, which makes YOU feel worse -
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Replying to @fozmeadows
- when what you really want is for people to reach out in any other capacity, so that you're not defined by illness & so you can escape it.
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