The thing I'm discovering as I get more words for my established issues & behaviours is how many iffy workarounds I've always had for them.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
Meaning: here is a thing I was vaguely aware of as A Problem, but because I didn't think it was real, I left it unaddressed except for X.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
Classic example: I bite/tear/worry my fingernails as an anxious habit. Have done since I was a kid. So now, I keep nail-clippers everywhere.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
Nail clippers don't stop whatever it is that makes my nail-mistreatment a compulsion. It just means I don't damage my body by doing it.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
Ditto as a teen w. dysphoria: I didn't know that's what it was, just that certain clothes had to be reserved for certain days to feel sane.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
It never used to make sense to me, how many clothes I had for someone who a) viscerally hates clothes shopping and b) isn't into fashion.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
I'd always try to turf stuff out, but hang onto particular seldom-worn items b/c some days they felt "necessary". I didn't understand it.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
What I recognise now - particularly today - is that my urge to buy clothes is usually tied to feeling strongly dysphoric. I want to change.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
The problem is that going shopping while dysphoric has a 50/50 chance of making it SO MUCH WORSE. This happened today; hence dissociating.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
You know that urban legend about the frog boiling to death because it keeps adjusting to hotter & hotter water? That's my mental landscape.
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Without a word to define what I'm feeling, I don't always notice how fucked up my headspace is getting because I constantly adjust to it.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
My tendency to fast-cycle through multiple mental landscapes in a day? I've started calling it shortwave mania, just to help recognise it.
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Replying to @fozmeadows
This is helpful, not just in regulating my own behaviour, but in keeping track of how I'm treating/relating to the people around me.
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