thinking today about how the same antidepressant I take can also be prescribed to treat ADHD, and how certain brainstuff I'd thought was innate to me and which predated my depression has become easier to deal with since I started taking it. you know. just Thoughts one has.
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I didn't notice these other changes at first; I'd been depressed for long enough, in such difficult circumstances, that I could barely remember what it had felt like to function otherwise, and there were other health issues in the way, too. but once I figured it out -
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- suddenly it's all these little things, like, 'huh. X used to be more difficult, didn't it?' and there's no other appreciable reason why I'd suddenly be finding it easier.
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I'm hesitant to label myself. it feels like a way of saying, 'all these mental processes and behaviours that I've come to see as self-defining are not unique to me, and therefore, somehow, don't count as being truly mine if I attribute them to something else.' and yet.
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and yet, it's hard not to notice patterns, once one has the relevant information. it's hard not to think, 'how much of me is patterns? how much of me came pre-installed, and how much of that is mental bloatware?'
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I'll tell you what, being stuck inside for a fucking year because of a global pandemic does tend to make one introspect! I just. brains are odd, and sometimes we acclimate to our own oddness so thoroughly that we don't always realise how odd it is, until it's thrown into relief.
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genuinely wondering how much of my personality in school would've been pathologised or pushed back against by teachers, rather than seen as charming, if I wasn't a white afab student with an advanced vocabulary
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fwiw I wrote this thread instead of getting up and getting a drink, which I've wanted for the past half hour, because The Stars Were Not In Position For Getting A Drink
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End of conversation
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