The Edmonton Oilers - gay but in a European arthouse film way where everyone is sad and hot. Connor McDavid's enormous marble house is the kind of metaphor you learn about in movie school, and also Leon Draisaitl is there.
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The New York Rangers - lowkey cosmopolitan gay. Big penthouse, suit kink and martini vibes. Henrik Lundqvist might be on IR but his status as a queer sexual awakening for many remains.
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The New York Islanders - louche flirty dirtbag bisexual vibes. Will eye you up at a party and then blow you in the bathroom.
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The Chicago Blackhawks - straight and rapey until such time as Patrick Kane fucks OFF.
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The Minnesota Wild - straight-passing but actually poly and queer as hell.
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The San Jose Sharks - vocal straight allies who'll wingman for their gay buddies, no problem! Try any slurs and Brent Burns will go full Viking on your ass.
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The Carolina Hurricanes - bisexual with a chip on their shoulder. Routinely forgets the safe and sane parts of safe, sane and consensual because they're trying to prove something, but in, like, a competitive way, not a trauma way, at least thus far.
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AND FINALLY, the Seattle Kraken - still tbd, though the name has very promising monsterfucker vibes.
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THREAD UPDATE: with Laine to the Jackets and Dubois to the Jets, Winnipeg just got thirstier and Columbus just got straighter.
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