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fozmeadows's profile
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
@fozmeadows

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Foz Meadows

@fozmeadows

Author, fanwriter, trash bandit, queer geek feminist, dork. Jack of all pronouns, mxtress of none. Yells about hockey. Aussie in the US.

Irvine, CA
fozmeadows.wordpress.com
Joined February 2009

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    1. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      It's not about having a meeting of the mutually filthy minds, then later being strung up for it. It's about a dude deliberately trying to figure out where someone's boundaries are about sexual jokes, so that he can escalate or, if they establish a boundary, dismiss them.

      3 replies 99 retweets 1,585 likes
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    2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      If a well-intentioned person misreads the room and makes a gross joke, then they'll already be invested enough in the people they're talking to to be AWARE of the prospect of misreading the room, to gauge the reactions around them, and apologise immediately for a mishit.

      2 replies 52 retweets 1,293 likes
      Show this thread
    3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      But when skeevy dudes do it, it's a deliberate winnowing tactic. They don't want to talk to "prudish" women who won't let them get sexually gross in conversation, so they throw out a feeler comment purposefully to see if it gets a negative reaction.

      2 replies 66 retweets 1,451 likes
      Show this thread
    4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      If the reaction is negative, that woman is coded as undesirable/frigid/prudish/ugly/boring - whatever their insult du jour is for Unfuckable Lady I Don't Wanna Bother With - and they'll close her out. But if she endures it, even visibly upset, that's a win for them.

      4 replies 55 retweets 1,334 likes
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    5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      Because what they've just learned is that this woman won't backtalk their grossness in public; will let their boundaries be pushed, so that they guy can feel justified in saying whatever gross shit he's thinking about her body or sexuality or whatever, even in veiled terms.

      3 replies 49 retweets 1,204 likes
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    6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      But because these guys want to be protected from criticism, very occasionally, they'll go out of their way to befriend someone who reacts negatively to their gross teaser comment; probably, if we're being honest in a professional setting, someone who has more influence than them.

      1 reply 29 retweets 1,051 likes
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    7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      They will cultivate that person as a good reference, who will vouch for them to other prospective AFAB folks they want to get in with, but will always be careful never to show their true self to the shield, or else to downplay it as just some random with a grudge against them.

      5 replies 33 retweets 1,018 likes
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    8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      I will also say, there's another variant on this level of harassment, where straight women are aggressively sexual and inappropriate with gay men they've just met. It's all about claiming some part of that person as "theirs" and feeling entitled to their bodies or fantasies.

      2 replies 60 retweets 1,204 likes
      Show this thread
    9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      The reason this becomes pernicious in both instances isn't just the gross habit of deliberately making others uncomfortable for your own enjoyment; it's because, in a professional context, you're trying to minimize social opportunities for anyone who'll call you out.

      1 reply 46 retweets 1,031 likes
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    10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      Because the people who do this - they know it's frowned upon. But AT BEST, they figure, "ah, but I'm really a good guy, I just like this sort of conversation, so what's wrong with winnowing out people who'll be downers?," ignoring that they're doing this at pro networking events

      1 reply 39 retweets 985 likes
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      Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

      Especially from people who are established or successful in the industry, what they're doing is saying, "Unless you'll accept me behaving grossly, sexually about and around people who make my dick hard - including you, maybe! - you don't get to network the same as everyone else."

      12:34 AM - 25 Jun 2020
      • 58 Retweets
      • 1,033 Likes
      • Beverly Bambury Yakkorat🏳️‍🌈 Hello Kaiju Escarone Austin (hir/him) Rikki ✨MagicAndMoonstones✨ Christina (Taylor’s Version) Allways
      1 reply 58 retweets 1,033 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          It says, "You don't get to feel like you belong in this genre or profession, because my reaction to your body and your willingness to indulge that reaction is more important than your writing, your personality or your thoughts. My dick must be considered At All Times."

          1 reply 66 retweets 1,196 likes
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        3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          And that's why it's a problem. Not because any of us hate gross, sexy humour Forever And Ever, but because it's only actually *humour* if it's all taking place between friends who respect each other's boundaries, instead of being used as a way to swing your dick at someone.

          1 reply 86 retweets 1,310 likes
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        4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          Jumping back on my own thread because I want to explicitly address how self-professed "nice guys" end up doing this sort of thing.

          1 reply 23 retweets 832 likes
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        5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          See, as much as it's a stereotype that geeks, especially straight geek dudes, didn't get a lot of lady-attention during their formative years... sometimes it's still true. And while many dudes don't use this as a subconscious excuse to creep... some do.

          1 reply 27 retweets 837 likes
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        6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          In a nutshell: what happens is, power corrupts, and frankly some dudes only find it easy to be "nice" when there's zero contextual opportunity to be anything else.

          1 reply 44 retweets 937 likes
          Show this thread
        7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          Then, suddenly, they become A Name in their profession, and women at cons want to talk to them! More potential female attention than they've ever had before, from women who appreciate all the stuff they have a chip on their shoulder about women not liking in highschool!

          2 replies 20 retweets 824 likes
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        8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          And these guys think, "It's not creeping if I hit on these women, because THEY'RE the ones approaching ME! It's not gross if they're genuinely interested in me and my writing, because I'm not doing a cold approach - I'm just reacting to their vibe!"

          1 reply 23 retweets 861 likes
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        9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          See, the dude in this moment either forgets or ignores that he's at a professional event. Outside of panels, SFF cons don't often feel professional in the way that most jobs we have to work otherwise do. They feel like fun! Everyone is an equal! Except:

          1 reply 27 retweets 905 likes
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        10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          - the only reason they're being approached so openly in such numbers IS BECAUSE OF THEIR PROFESSIONAL STANDING. Any overtures of friendship here are coming in at least a semi-professional capacity, not because you clicked the magic button and your Tinder wishlist sprang to life.

          1 reply 30 retweets 1,008 likes
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        11. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          But still, these guys think, "But maybe I really like this girl, huh? Why should I miss out on a potential awesome relationship just because we're at a con?" Except, outside of this justification, they're not thinking about a relationship. The timeframe's too brief.

          1 reply 23 retweets 792 likes
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        12. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          They're not REALLY thinking, "Wow, I could get to know this woman over a period of days or weeks and then, if we feel the same way, maybe I could ask her out." They're thinking, "holy shit, maybe I can have sex in a hotel room!" or "oh wow, BOOBS. Gotta comment!"

          2 replies 29 retweets 873 likes
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        13. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          You know how I know this? Because THAT'S HOW IT BECOMES A PATTERN. Someone doing serial monogamy with people they just so happen to meet at cons? Not a creep. Someone who looks forward to cons because they KNOW they'll be approached by more women than otherwise? CREEP.

          1 reply 37 retweets 949 likes
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        14. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          Because what these guys then fall into the habit of doing, whether they consciously realise it or not, is viewing the women they meet at cons primarily as potential sexual conquests and/or ego-candy, NOT AS POTENTIAL PEERS. But they're still *nice guys,* so it can't be an issue!

          2 replies 42 retweets 971 likes
          Show this thread
        15. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          Which is why they react with outrage, distress and/or hostility the first time they get called on it. What, can't a guy be interested in a woman AT ALL without being yelled at? They don't want to admit that they're taking advantage of a professional setting to be personally gross

          1 reply 45 retweets 960 likes
          Show this thread
        16. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          - and unless they sit the fuck down, do some serious self-reflection, apologise and actively work to be better? THIS is when they start trying to cut the women who "can't handle a joke" and "don't have a sense of humour" out of their professional circles.

          2 replies 36 retweets 983 likes
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        17. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          It might not even be a conscious thing (after all, you're not doing anything wrong! that person is just being judgemental and harsh, and you don't want to call them out and make it, like, a THING, you're a Nice Guy who likes feminism! you just... don't wanna talk to them, either)

          1 reply 15 retweets 701 likes
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        18. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          but that's how the pattern starts. They start to cultivate the fans and industry peers around them at cons as potential hookup pools, and tell themselves they're just enjoying the right not to be criticised while they're having fun.

          3 replies 19 retweets 689 likes
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        19. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          From there, it's a short step to thinking it's funny to piss off "that kind of person" by overtly joking grossly to make them go away faster; to learning behavioural shortcuts to insure the greatest number of potential hookups to fewest number of critics.

          1 reply 20 retweets 727 likes
          Show this thread
        20. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          And suddenly it's been years, and this established dude has completely forgotten what it's like NOT to be surrounded by eager, interested women at cons; it might not happen elsewhere in his life, but that only cements cons as The Best Time For Hookups instead of pro events.

          1 reply 18 retweets 723 likes
          Show this thread
        21. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          As he grows in influence, he doesn't consider that the women flocking to him want or have careers of their own; after all, they're there for HIM. There's no impropriety; it's not like he's *forcing* them or anything. He's only cultivating the people he has around him, that's all.

          1 reply 21 retweets 730 likes
          Show this thread
        22. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 25 Jun 2020

          And meanwhile, all those women who he upsets, ignores, or fucks and dumps, and never considers as peers or future peers or equals - those women talk to each other. They steadily realise they're not alone; they form networks. They warn others. And then, eventually - they speak.

          22 replies 60 retweets 1,198 likes
          Show this thread
        23. End of conversation

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