My small child has requested that we watch the new Sonic the Hedgehog movie. Pray for me.
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“I feel just like Vin Diesel! It’s all about family, Tom.” ACTUAL SONIC LINE OF DIALOGUE
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I’m not sure if Robotnik is *meant* to have sexual tension with his hot, well-groomed aide, AND YET
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“Is it plutonium? Is it emails?” yells Marsden’s black sister-in-law as she sees him carrying a covered Sonic. I hate these scriptwriters with my whole heart.
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“I just thought you’d like a latte with steamed Austrian goat-milk,” says the hot aide, interrupting Robotnik’s weird moody dance-brooding.
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“Where am I? What year is it? Is the Rock President?” says Sonic, when awoken from a coma with smelling salts.
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“The time for talking is over! It’s time to push buttons!”
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oh my GOD Sonic just opened a portal to Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower, where a literal goddamn MIME said “Sacre-Bleu!”
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“His name was SONIC!” says Marsden, in what is meant to be a genuine Moment.
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Jim Carey chewed so much scenery, he must’ve needed a stomach pump.
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