HOLY SHIT JR BOURNE IS IN THIS??
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“It’s Latin!” says the dad excitedly, referring to the cursive writing etched into the FUCKING GLASS WALLS of his GLASS MURDERHOUSE
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The walls of the house in Thirteen Ghosts are glass because the actors chewed all the scenery HEYOOOOOO
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Words cannot adequately convey to you what Matthew Lillard looks like in this film
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“I used to hunt displaced spiritual energies with your uncle,” says an extremely sane-looking Matthew Lillard. “Ghosts.” “Goats?” asks the confused father. “GHOOOOOOOSTS!”
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the BATHROOM has a GLASS FLOOR and the TEENAGE GIRL is THRILLED, which TELLS ME that a DUDE wrote this "MOVIE"
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oh baby jr bourne, you don't know this yet, but it gets better. one day you play a hot werewolf-hunting dad on mtv. you have a BEARD.
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HOLY SHIT THE NEKKIT TITTYGHOST IS EMBETH DAVITZ MISS HONEY'S LIFE TOOK A DARK FUCKING TURN APPARENTLY
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what is even this protracted scene where the daughter can't tell she's sharing a bathroom with the nekkid tittyghost and the ghost is kinda looking at her?? weird sexual tension?? GHOST tension??
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"Did the lawyer split?" asks the babysitter, which is An Joque because of how he got SLICED IN HALF, geddit?
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meanwhile the tiny child is off seeing horrific ghosts armed with only a scotter and ran SMACK BANG into a glass door like a confused bird
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aw his ghostmom is here to try and save him from the bad ghosts!
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what were the director's instructions to matthew lillard? "so, you're a crazed psychic who acts like he's on magic meth, but you're also like, put-upon and overreacting to everything."
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TEEN DAUGHTER'S SHIRT GETTING SCRATCHED OPEN TO THE BRA BY CAGEHEAD GHOST
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oh wait the fucking weird lesbian-energy Ghost Rights Activist is embeth davitz, the nekkid tittyghost is someone else, my bad
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"we're in the middle of a machine designed by the devil and powered by the dead" god bless this terrible scripte
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"can I rely on you not to get me killed?" "I guarantee nothing"
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love how all the adults are together and the kids are just like. Lost?? in the murderghost house? and this has someone ceased to be an immediate priority??
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"how do you lose an entire family in a glass house?" matthew jatthew lillard you are not HELPING
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ok honestly you know what? the whole dark zodiac soul engine concept is genuinely cool and deserving of a much better movie
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I'll say this for thirteen ghosts, at least it has the common goddamn decency to pass the bechdel test and not have the sole black character die first
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they are deadass carrying an ENTIRE PLATE GLASS WINDOW around as a ghost shield, I am DYING
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y'know, we don't see much of embeth davitz anymore. why is that? did she just decide to do other things or did some hollywood sleezeball blacklist her for ignoring his boner?
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OH PLOT TWIST, EMBETH GHOST ACTIVIST WAS IN ON IT WITH CYRUS, WHO ISN'T DEAD AND NOW HE'S BETRAYING HER BACK
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or like, I assume he's about to betray her back, what with being not dead and called cyrus and all
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