As an extrovert with a lot of introverted/quiet friends, I'm always trying to be considerate of other people's boundaries, which means a lot of internal stress about whether I'm being Too Much at any given time - too loud, too dominant, too annoying, too present.
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Combine this stress with internet silence, and I'm often tying myself in knots about whether people hate me or just want me to shut up - except that I can't actually make myself *do* that forever, because of how much I need and love socialisation. Which makes me feel selfish.
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What's really helpful in these moments is people being clear about their needs and feelings. If someone is having a good time hanging out and says that overtly, it's not just nice - it reassures me that I haven't dragooned them into socialising by missing a soft no.
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Similarly, if someone wants to set a boundary, decline an invitation I'm making or otherwise get me to shut up about my current Big Interest, it's super helpful to be told that outright; just going silent or politely ignoring the topic leaves me worried I've caused offence.
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This can become a vicious circle: if I need clarification about something from a friend, but know said friend is introverted or busy, I get paralysed about asking again, because I don't want to push a boundary by nagging or forcing them to socialise, but I'm still left hanging.
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It also makes me uncertain about whether or not I'm actually wanted if I'm always or predominantly the one trying to organise socialisation. If I never get a return invite, my anxiety says to take that as a hint that the other person wants me to stop altogether.
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Particularly in my teens, I would cross boundaries all the time, not out of malice, but because I was so desperate to hang out that I routinely missed soft nos and cues to go home. It's left me with a perpetual fear of being needy and annoying as an adult.
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This means my brain operates on two contradictory principles: one, I'm aware my anxiety may well be lying to me, but simultaneously aware that I can't always take a hint. This allows me to keep on extroverting, but always at the cost of lowkey assuming I'm just being tolerated.
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Basically I - and a lot of other socially anxious extroverts - spend a lot of time feeling like giant doggos surrounded by tiny kittens: clumsy, taking up too much space, too enthusiastic, too big, too loud, and never sure we're meant to be quite where we are, even if we like it.
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All of which is a way of saying, it goes a long way with socially anxious extroverts if you take the time to reassure us that you enjoy our noisy friendship, clarify when you need space instead of ghosting, and otherwise just be explicit about your needs and preferences.
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The last thing I want to be is the type of extrovert who steamrolls over other people, bullies friends into activities they don't enjoy, bombards busy folk with messages and otherwise makes a selfish nuisance of myself, but my brain isn't always reliable, so I need help.
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Anyway! This has been A Thread. FIN.
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