You pull off the highway into the LEGOLAND feeder road. The surrounding lanes move sluggishly, full of shiny-slow cars. The sun beats down on you - hot, hot. Time passes. You blink, or else night comes and goes, and watch as a second, LEGO-yellow sun stutters into the sky.
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You queue for a ride on a pirate ship. From somewhere off to your right, the song starts again: BABY SHARK DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO. You look for the child responsible, but none of them are singing it. All of them are singing it. The line lasts 40 minutes.
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By the fourth LEGO World, your yellow rash has spread from knee to thigh. Your skin is changing colour. Your feet ache. Your cracked lips shape the syllables of Baby Shark, but do not yet give them utterance.
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At the fairy tale boat ride, the waters churn with ominous noise. The LEGO animatronic figures stare at you as they move in stutters syncopation, their eyes inescapable. You realise, you do not recognise all these fairy tale figures. The rash has moved to your arm. You scratch.
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As you pass through the gift shop, the song chases you a third time: BABY SHARK DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO. You remember the aquarium and flee towards it. Was walking always this hard?
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Inside the aquarium, the air is cool on your fevered skin. Moving with new urgency, you push your way to a tank where - finally, blessedly - you encounter sharks. You stare at them, smooth and whole. There are stairs beside the tank, and LEGO statues within. You climb the stairs.
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As you step into the open mouth of the shark tank, you have just enough time to see your complete transformation reflected in the glass - smooth skin, yellow, a plastic smile and cup-clawed hands - before you sink down, down, down.
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Baby sharks greet you, and it seems unnecessary even as it feels like coming home. Haven’t you always been here, still and smiling within their waters? Your rash is gone. The pain is gone. There is only the water, and sharks, and the jaundiced glow of Truth. Welcome to LEGOLAND.
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