I open the fusilli box and what do I see? A CATERPILLAR
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PLAN C ORECCHIETTE I OPEN THE BOX AND GUESS WHO IT IS THREE FUCKIN CATERPILLARS
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At this point my poor date is watching as I tear open box after box and shout CATERPILLARS into my pasta WHERE DID THEY ALL COME FROM WHY ARE THEY IN MY PASTA
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I double-check with my date they are not weevils they are not maggots they are not silverfish they are absolutely 100% motherfucking CATERPILLARS
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some of them are building COCOONS IN MY MACARONI CATERPILLARS EVERYWHERE
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so I enlist my date into helping me go through EVERY ITEM in my pantry and GUESS WHAT CATERPILLARS IS WHAT MY PISTACHIOS? CATERPILLARS MY TORTILLA CHIPS? CATERPILLAR'D MY MOTHERFUCKING TRAIL MIX WITH THE PEANUT BUTTER CHIPS IN IT? C A T E R P I L L A R S
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my poor date endures as I go through my entire pantry getting increasingly furious THEY EVEN GOT INTO MY FANCY 'I WROTE SOMETHING DIFFICULT TODAY' CHOCOLATES, GUYS CATERPILLARS
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once I'd finished ERADICATING THE FUCKING CATERPILLARS I turned to my date and said "we are GOING OUT" my date, bless him, put up with an hour of me ranting about FUCKING CATERPILLARS over drinks and oysters
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EPILOGUE I got home from the date (which was wonderful) and looked up at the ceiling and guess who was there A LONE MOTHERFUCKING CATERPILLAR
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anyway that's the story of how I wound up whacking my ceiling with a broom at 11pm shouting NO FUCKING CATERPILLARS
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but sarah HAVE YOU CONSIDERED that the caterpillars, as liminal transitional creatures, are attracted to your liminal transitional queerness? maybe you've been putting out a SIREN SONG of metaphorical butterfly energies and they were ENTRANCED???
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Replying to @fozmeadows
HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A CATERPILLAR SYMPATHIZER
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Replying to @gaileyfrey
I AM NOT SAYING YOU SYMPATHISE WITH CATERPILLARS I'M SAYING CATERPILLARS SYMPATHISE WITH *YOU*
0 replies 0 retweets 9 likes
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