But the reason I'm feeling especially self-conscious *now* is because, having had these realisations a while ago, my first attempts to truly act on them - to set a professional boundary and push back when something upset me - blew up in my face *spectacularly*.
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So. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up, because there's not a neat conclusion to things like this. I know my own habits of fooling myself; that doesn't make me immune to them. But I'm going to try, because I have to. Because to do anything less would be a disservice.
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Growing up with creative aspirations, it's easy to assume that there's going to come a point when you know you've Made It; when you're secure in yourself and never doubt thereafter. But that's bullshit, I think. Even the best artists in the world have moments of self-doubt.
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"Stay afraid, but do it anyway." That's what Carrie Fisher said, and in honour of her glitter-flinging, bird-flipping spirit, that's what I'm going to do. Stay afraid, but do it anyway.
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