As such, I'm also bad at setting professional boundaries or asking for things I need, because I view those requests as a burden. I'm always worried that I'm asking too much, or that asking will see the person, whoever it is, dislike me - because I'm worried about being Friends.
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And I will be. I will be. I will be. So fucking help me, I will channel the spirit of Miranda's Hamilton and write that shit into existence, because I don't know any other way to be.
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When I can't write - when I'm afraid to write; when I'm paralysed by the fear that my writing won't succeed or matter - it's like I'm absent within myself. I curl up in some fundamental way, sinking into a self-made carapace of procrastination and self-deluding bullshit.
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And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to acknowledge what I'm afraid of, and name it, and move on from it, or I'll be stuck in my own shelled head forever.
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So. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up, because there's not a neat conclusion to things like this. I know my own habits of fooling myself; that doesn't make me immune to them. But I'm going to try, because I have to. Because to do anything less would be a disservice.
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Growing up with creative aspirations, it's easy to assume that there's going to come a point when you know you've Made It; when you're secure in yourself and never doubt thereafter. But that's bullshit, I think. Even the best artists in the world have moments of self-doubt.
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"Stay afraid, but do it anyway." That's what Carrie Fisher said, and in honour of her glitter-flinging, bird-flipping spirit, that's what I'm going to do. Stay afraid, but do it anyway.
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you're fortunate to have had that direction. I grew up knowing that in a world of specialists, I was a generalist - collecting every jigsaw-puzzle piece of random info knowing that it fitted *somewhere*... it would be cruelly poetic if my last thought was THE epiphany.
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