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fozmeadows's profile
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
Foz Meadows
@fozmeadows

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Foz Meadows

@fozmeadows

Author, fanwriter, trash bandit, queer geek feminist, dork. Jack of all pronouns, mxtress of none. Yells about hockey. Aussie in the US.

Irvine, CA
fozmeadows.wordpress.com
Joined February 2009

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    1. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      Paradoxically, it's during this time that I've also felt as though I'm doing my best actual writing. I *know* that I've developed. I *know* that I've improved enormously since my first book came out in 2010, and that I will continue to improve. But.

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    2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      The thing is, feeling that I'm doing good writing isn't the same as believing that I'll be able to get it published. And *that* particular disconnect is somehow more disheartening than if I just thought my work was bad, because at least then, it's on *me* to improve.

      1 reply 0 retweets 7 likes
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    3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      But where I feel like I've failed in professional publishing is an inability to successfully navigate professional relationships. Which is super disconcerting for me, because I'm an extrovert! I am nominally Very Good At People!

      1 reply 0 retweets 5 likes
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    4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      What I am evidently NOT good at is separating "this person is being friendly to me because we're professional colleagues" from "this person is both a colleague and a friend". My default, where I get along with someone, is pretty much always to assume the latter.

      2 replies 0 retweets 11 likes
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    5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      Which, on the surface, shouldn't seem like a bad thing! But in professional contexts - and particularly in professional relationships which take place almost entirely online - it's an assumption without real basis, and it means I tend to misjudge some basic stuff.

      1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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    6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      First & foremost: I am TERRIBLE at taking the time to weigh offers and opportunities. My default assumption is terror that, if I don't accept them IMMEDIATELY, they'll be gone forever. Like if a friend asks me to see a movie w. them & I say no, of COURSE they'll ask someone else!

      1 reply 0 retweets 5 likes
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    7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      In friendship terms, leaving somebody hanging while you umm and aahhh about an offer of Doing Something Together is an absolute dick move. But professionally, it's the complete opposite. Unless there's a super tight deadline, expecting someone to reply right away is a red flag.

      2 replies 0 retweets 7 likes
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    8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      As such, I'm also bad at setting professional boundaries or asking for things I need, because I view those requests as a burden. I'm always worried that I'm asking too much, or that asking will see the person, whoever it is, dislike me - because I'm worried about being Friends.

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    9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      But professional relationships are not like friendships. Like, yes, obviously you can have colleagues who are also friends, but that's not the default starting point with strangers. You don't need to be loved; you need mutual respect and to work well together.

      1 reply 0 retweets 10 likes
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    10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      With the benefit of hindsight, I can pinpoint exactly where I've made missteps or wrong assumptions and what to do better next time. And that's good! That's a positive thing to acknowledge, and part of why I wanted to write this thread.

      2 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
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      Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

      But the reason I'm feeling especially self-conscious *now* is because, having had these realisations a while ago, my first attempts to truly act on them - to set a professional boundary and push back when something upset me - blew up in my face *spectacularly*.

      5:54 AM - 27 May 2018
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      • zer0jack
      3 replies 0 retweets 2 likes
        1. New conversation
        2. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          I won't go into the specifics of what happened, or with whom; it's not relevant here. But since then, I've been absolutely paralysed. The experience was so awful that I'm constantly in the shadow of it. I'm terrified of a repeat performance. I can't be treated like that again.

          3 replies 0 retweets 7 likes
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        3. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          Even typing this, my pulse and breathing are altered. Just. I'm compartmentalised by nature, so it doesn't hang over me day to day, but when I think about publishing - when I think about needing to put my work out there - I freeze up.

          1 reply 0 retweets 4 likes
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        4. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          It's so, so stressful, and of course, the nature of the industry is that it's largely verboten to talk about your bad industry experiences with other people in the industry. It makes you a complainer. It is Not Done.

          2 replies 0 retweets 6 likes
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        5. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          But I need to talk about it, if only in this very vague way, because I need to try and progress past it, too. This thread is my compromise. For the sake of my mental health, I *need* to be able to be open about the things that impact it, and why.

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        6. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          And I also need to remind myself - in public, where I can't pretend I never said it or believed it - that I've had setbacks before, and doubtless will again, but that persistence, a willingness to improve and a bone-deep love of writing will get me through them.

          1 reply 0 retweets 14 likes
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        7. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          My final year ofschool, I was taking more subjects than anyone else in my grade. I was depressed, insomniac - and determined to write. As tired, as broken, as busy as I was, I still had a printout of my then-manuscript with me, editing on the train and under my desk at school.

          1 reply 0 retweets 6 likes
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        8. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          A friend who knew me then, still one of my best, has said he always marvelled at how determined I was then to be a writer; how core to me it was, in the face of everything else. How it never wavered. That's who I need to be again: the stubborn girl on the train, red pen in hand.

          2 replies 0 retweets 10 likes
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        9. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          And I will be. I will be. I will be. So fucking help me, I will channel the spirit of Miranda's Hamilton and write that shit into existence, because I don't know any other way to be.

          1 reply 0 retweets 18 likes
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        10. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          When I can't write - when I'm afraid to write; when I'm paralysed by the fear that my writing won't succeed or matter - it's like I'm absent within myself. I curl up in some fundamental way, sinking into a self-made carapace of procrastination and self-deluding bullshit.

          1 reply 0 retweets 5 likes
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        11. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to acknowledge what I'm afraid of, and name it, and move on from it, or I'll be stuck in my own shelled head forever.

          1 reply 0 retweets 4 likes
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        12. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          So. I'm not really sure how to wrap this up, because there's not a neat conclusion to things like this. I know my own habits of fooling myself; that doesn't make me immune to them. But I'm going to try, because I have to. Because to do anything less would be a disservice.

          2 replies 0 retweets 5 likes
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        13. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          Growing up with creative aspirations, it's easy to assume that there's going to come a point when you know you've Made It; when you're secure in yourself and never doubt thereafter. But that's bullshit, I think. Even the best artists in the world have moments of self-doubt.

          1 reply 0 retweets 8 likes
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        14. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          "Stay afraid, but do it anyway." That's what Carrie Fisher said, and in honour of her glitter-flinging, bird-flipping spirit, that's what I'm going to do. Stay afraid, but do it anyway.

          2 replies 0 retweets 43 likes
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        15. Foz Meadows‏ @fozmeadows 27 May 2018

          FIN.

          1 reply 0 retweets 7 likes
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        16. End of conversation

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